The Goldendoodle State Warriors

I know you’re thinking that Oakland does not seem like a poodle-mix sort of town, but I can assure you that this fair port city values friendly, non-shedding breeds of animals, especially those that can play basketball.

Steph Curry, leader of the curly retrievers

Steph Curry, leader of the curly retrievers

Goldendoodles were originally bred as guide dogs, and the Goldendoodle State Warriors’ mission is to guide Oakland to victory in the NBA finals. Here’s how:

1. They are easily trainable. They take newspapers, slippers, remote controls, but mainly, they have been trained to take the ball to the goddamn basket.

2. Less drooling, more dribbling.

3. Distract with adorability.

4. They do not pick ‘n roll over and play dead.

Although they get confused with an offensive play called “the backdoor cut” and don’t really know how to guard anything, the Goldendoodle State Warriors make up for it by having a lot of jump to their shots and a lot of bounce to their passes. Steve Kerr, beloved dog whisperer and basketball coach, appreciates his team’s easy temperament, if not their 3-second violations of both his leg and the fire hydrant in front of the arena.

Ever since the NBA went to the dogs, fouls have been more fragrant and less flagrant, but with players working strictly for Cuddles ‘N Treats, the organization really can’t complain.

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The Goldendoodle State Warriors are the best show in town.

And they are going to crush the Cleveland Cavalier Spaniels.

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