While you’ve been getting the best sleep of your life, these last 15 years have a been a nightmare for me.
You bought me when you were 25 with your first big bonus – ooooh, look at me, what an investment! – and then you treated me like the fucking futon from your college dorm. Your mid-20’s was like The Blair Tequila Project and tequila really impinged my breathability – but if I thought your single life was bad, the dating years proved to be 50 shades of gross. Do you know how many bodies I had to mold to? Twelve to be exact and Kristin’s off-gassing was even worse than mine.
Look, man, I’m glad you found Sarah. She was pretty much everything memory foam looks for in a girl: lightweight. In fact, for a brief period, I was kind of happy. I mean, you guys traveled all the time, I was free! And then like an asshole you got her pregnant with twins.
I’m dense – highly dense – but when Sarah gained 70 pounds and went on bed-rest for three months, even I recognized the assault on my viscosity. Your wife and I can both say that we lost our original shapes BECAUSE OF YOU. Dick.
And that’s when, in addition to dealing with everyone’s frequent urination issues, Nightmare On Co-Sleeping Street started. The only thing that got me through that year was misty water-colored memories of the way my life once was in the company warehouse.
Now because I’m a nice guy and because I’m forced to soften in reaction to your body heat, I was willing to forgive (not necessarily to forget because I’m memory foam and I WILL NEVER FORGET). But you know what happened? A third kid, snoring, sleep apnea, and a combined enthusiasm for cheesecake.
There is no bouncing back from this shit. I’ve tried to temper my feelings, but damn it, I am a highly combustible visco-elastic polyurethane product whose warrantee is up.
Put me in the guest bedroom.
This is a revised version of a very old post of mine called “The Imagined Nightmares of a Memory Foam Mattress.” And if you remember that post, I’ll give you the Golden Marshmallow Award. And if you remember what the Golden Marshmallow Award is, you are clearly the most loyal and amazing reader I’ve ever had.