Don’t pretend you don’t know this rule. Every parent knows this rule.
It’s an exact science:
For every alcoholic beverage imbibed the night before, your kid will wake up 15 minutes earlier the next morning.
With the actual equation being:
Normal wakeup time – (15 minutes)(x amount of booze) = “Night of the Living Dead”
And because the Chalupa is a special, special child, he has altered the equation so that no matter how many classes of wine I have (one last night), the wake-up time will be 5:00 am. Or 4:57, to be precise. But who’s keeping track.
Meaning that he slept for 8-1/2 hours last night.
And did I mention that he hasn’t been napping?
I don’t know much about kids, but this is bullshit. Fortunately, I have detected the culprit at whom I can point the laser beam of my exhausted outrage. When the Chalupa bestows his heartbreaking little smile upon you, look up yonder and you’ll see him poking through…move over a bit…a little further over…yes, yes…STOP.
Say hello to Upper Right Cuspid.
BIENVENUE, BITCH
Welcome, Upper Right Cuspid. So good of you to
Appear. It has only taken three sleepless months for you
To draw near and now, HUZZAH! Let us dance, let us
Sing, the heavens burst open, all hail the king. And
Now that you’re here, I am brimming with hope that
Sleep isn’t a myth. Because you know the end of
The rope? Well, I’m there. So alert the world
Of your new address – oh, do you sense a note
Of bitterness? Yes, well, don’t worry. You are
Loathed slightly less
than that other motherfucker…
The Upper Cuspid
On the left.
My detective work is done and by my calculations, I will have approximately two weeks of decent sleep before the two-year molars begin their three-month upward journey.
Which effectively means that the Chalupa has been teething non-stop since the time he was three months old.
Knowledge best savored with a very large glass of wine.
Are you sure was are not related in done way? And might I suggest wine in a baby bottle? Or sippy cup, perhaps?
For you, of course. Because as I work the equation, the solution works out:
“Wine in mommy bottle + whiskey on babygums = 8+ hours sleep”…but come to think of it? I flunked math, so don’t listen to me!
I am very familiar w/ The Rule of Wine, also know in our home as The Rum Regulation or The Judgment of Gin. I am just shocked that MY kid is not the only one with that 4:57am wake-up dealy. Is your kid texting my kid???
Another well-known kid rule is the rule of diminishing vacations, wherein your child KNOWS to get sick, exactly in time for any family vacation or mommy-daddy-alone-time vacation so that you A) feel guilty to leave or B) the sitter you have planned backs out because 18-year-olds don’t know how to handle kids with diarrhea and vomitting.
Actually, it’s just B). Who would feel guilty to leave a kid w/ diarrhea?