I was super nervous.
I could barely sleep last night.
The clothes were laid out.
Pirate shirt? Yes. It says “devilish but adorable.”
And the skinny jeans. Regrettably trendy but the only thing that doesn’t say “saggy gangsta butt.”
The lunch was packed. Which nearly killed me. Was it filling? Was it too much? Not enough? Too processed? Was it organic-biodegradable-compostable-combustible-and-waste-free? Would the teachers judge? Would the kids judge? Good enough for tradesies? Good enough to throw?
Where was the attachment object? A truck? No. A stuffed animal. Elmo?
What do you think, Elmo? Can you do it? Show me comfort. Now safety. Stop singing that song. This is serious, dammit. That’s better. How well does your flammable red fur absorb homesick tears? Perfect.
Now it’s time for a hearty-but-harried breakfast. Let us give the vehicles on the placemat all of the cereal. And all of the milk. Perfect. Would the vehicles care for toast? Just a bite? No? Perfect.
It’s time. Let’s ready ourselves.
SHIT. NOTHING WAS LABELED.
Okay, speed-labeling commencing with purple permanent marker. Is purple appropriate? Yes. It says “toddler royalty.”
Teeth brushed. Sippies filled. Camera packed. Car loaded. The journey begins.
SHITTY MCSHITTERSON. RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.
Speed-deep-breathing commences. Let’s sing the back-to-school song! Happiness! Lightness! Airiness! Guided imagery of serenely floating on a lily pad down a congested river of cars!
SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG. NO PARKING.
Walking three blocks on a beautiful day is invigorating. It gives me time to reflect on this momentous occasion. Who will I meet? Who will I befriend?
And then I am there. In the classroom. And I see them.
The row of perfectly monogrammed Pottery Barn Kids canvas tote bags.
I do not have a monogrammed Pottery Barn Kids canvas tote bag.
I do not even have a knock-off monogrammed tote bag.
Moment of panic.
Fear.
Isolation.
Then a little hand works its way out of mine and wanders toward the toys. He does not even look in my direction as I hug him and say goodbye.
My first day of preschool.
Yeah.
He’s ready.
I turn out of the parking lot.
SHIT-BALLS.
How much do you want to bet that his sesame-ginger salad dressing is not nut-free?
“toddler royalty”!! hahahaha.
Who gives a shitty shitty bang bang about a monogrammed tote bag when you’re rocking skinny jeans.
So true. Especially since we’re not talking about me in skinny jeans. Because that’s something no one should be forced to imagine.
I hate you because you make me think that parenting doesn nto suck and kids may not be the worst possible thing that could happen to me. I think you are deviously trying to lead me from my path of self-absorbed hedonism.
But I love you because you say things like “Shitty shitty bang bang” and understand the import of “tradesies”-worthy lunch foods. I think that we may have been destined for one another.
My head hurts.
- B x
Well, kids are definitely not the WORST possible thing that could happen to you. You could get typhoid. Or herpes.
And you’re obviously not that self-absorbed. Look at you! Throwing around the words “I love you!” The Spaniard would be so jealous if he knew of our love.
You capture the fear and loathing of being a mom new to the school scene perfectly.
Wait til you see the kids with the bento box lunchboxes. And the layered look – tshirt under flannel under cool hoodie, with Vans.
and you wonder if you’ll always be the hopelessly out of sorts parent.
Loved this read.
Oh, the layered-look. I know it well. And I live in fear.
And I know for a fact that I will always be hopelessly out of sorts. I just try to hide it behind layers of fleece and sweat pants.
Wow! You have to provide sophisticated lunches and everyone has Pottery Barn tote bags? You have to park three blocks away? Are you living in Manhattan?
All you see at our preschool are Dora, Spiderman, Princesses and (in our case) Minnie Mouse at a knock down sale price no less. I do wear my Lucky Brand shirts (when do I ever not) which get me no end of strange looks from the wholesomely plain T-shirt clad Moms.
Glad the Chalupa was off and running in the first few minutes – that is just wonderful. I bet you were bursting with pride.
The “sophisticated” lunch is only because my Top Chef Toddler is obsessed with salad. Which would be great if he were a high school girl.
And yes, it would seem that I do live in Manhattan. In actuality, I live in a place where people take preschool very, very, very seriously.
Love that I’m not the only one getting strange looks!
Oh, I got in trouble for sending Maddie with PB her first day!
PB is such a kid-staple! It makes me sad that it’s gone. Sunflower butter just ain’t the same.
Great snapshot! I got big brick-shitting butterflies and I don’t have to worry about this first for about two years.
Yeah, the whole process is a little nerve-wracking, but now that the first day is over, I feel like I can move my non-monogrammed self forward.
This morning we met my kid’s kindy teacher. The school has 14 classrooms. For KINDY. We only saw 2 other kiddos around, but one was the 3rd sibling coming through and all “monogrammed backpack” and “i know where the bathroom is!” and “move it, newbie!” I wanted to punt her. And her dad.
Dude. You said “punt.” I LOVE THAT YOU SAID ‘PUNT.’ Oh, man, this comment made me laugh. Thank you.
Rockin’ the skinny jeans gives you a pass for not having the uber-trendy, matchy-matchy Pottery Barn Kids tote. And I’ll bet there were some pretty awesome things to throw and trade in that lunch bag.
What a big step!! Will you go back?!
His lunch WAS pretty awesome. Even though he didn’t eat it.
And yeah, we’re gonna give it another go tomorrow. Wish me – er, I mean him – luck!
So it’s Pottery Barn now, huh? Back when I was in school it was LL Bean backpacks.
Congrats on the first day!
that ‘nut free’ business kills me. i mean, i get it but, it makes for a bland packed lunch. it makes me have to be ‘creative’ about lunch and use my brain.
happy first day! mine go on Wednesday. it will be LB’s first day. he got new kicks and everything–everything except the PB monogrammed backpack.
The whole post is devilish but adorable!
Oh a bittersweet day for sure…as for lunch options may I suggest CHALUPA! Oh I slay myself!
This makes me cry.
Why do mothers have to start a club of exclusivity? What is wrong with being kind to a new face? Why can’t people say “hey, I’m soandso, how are you?”
You don’t have to be best buds and meet for coffee everyday, but just be nice to people, alright? Just.be.nice.
What the heck is the deal with mothers, anyway?
I’d love you and totally brush up on my mommy pick up lines for you.
“Hi, I’m the town nut, wanna hang? Cool. let’s go back to my messy house , see if we can find 2 clean coffee mugs, and watch some Jamie Kennedy Experiment, K?”
Love you, sweet thing…xoxoxo
Kids are worse than herpes…
until you teach ‘em how to make mommy a margarita.
Then your good until puberty.
After that?
Typhoid.
The first day of preschool is so nerve-wracking. Seriously. I don’t understand the mothers who get all glammed up for the preschool drop off. If they’re trying that hard, then they have issues.
You’re such a good mom packing such a great lunch. And skinny jeans! How cool.