Mrs. Man Vs. Wild

I just can’t help it.

I got Bear Grylls on the brain.

You know.  He’s that hot British star of Man vs. Wild.

As well as one of the youngest – and hottest – to climb Everest.

And THE youngest and hottest to climb Mt. Ama Dablam in the Himalayas, which Sr. Edmund Hillary and I agree is a killer climb.

Bear is the McGiver of televised survival expeditions and his mesmerizing accent makes it impossible to turn the channel.

His chiseled abdomen also makes it impossible.

He is the king of the outrageous and the unexpected.

He will spend the night in a fresh camel carcass to escape a sand storm.  He will eat raw snake brains because tribal leaders believe it prevents Alzheimer’s.

And at least once an episode, his will get naked and do push-ups.

To avoid hypothermia.  And heat stroke.

And bad tan lines.

He is overly dramatic in a way that both Anderson Cooper and the cast of The Young & the Restless would appreciate.

And when I’m not perfecting Bear’s pronunciation of “glacier” or thinking about what kind of insurance his camera-man has (Blue Cross Insanity), I’m thinking about Mrs. Bear Grylls.

Also known as Shara.  Or the woman behind the Man vs. Wild.

Here is what any good stalker knows:

  • They live on a house boat on the Thames River
  • And on a small Welsh island
  • And have three sons:  Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry.

What I don’t know is if Bear and his progeny go spear-fishing in the Thames for breakfast?

And does Bear row the kids to school in a self-carved wooden boat modeled after King Henry VIII’s first wedding barge?

Does Shara pack them a lunch of raw carp brains to boost their immune system in preparation for adventures with dad?

Did Shara win the coin toss on “Jesse” but lose the next two battles?

Is Jesse teased for being a Mama’s Boy?  And because he thinks floating down the Mississippi River is disgusting?

Are family vacations referred to as “expeditions?”

Are star-rated hotels frowned upon?  Or does Shara put her foot down and say, “Goddamn it, Bear, I want a shower.  And food that’s not cooked over an open-flame.  And water that’s not melted from snow on the side of a mountain.”

For that matter, does Shara tell Bear he stinks?  That he’s hot but he stinks?  You know, cause he’s been in the wild for a gazillion years and he smells like wildebeest balls?

Bear is a black-belt.  So is Shara practiced in the arts of karate?  During their downtime, do they lovingly spar together?

When Bear heads out to film, does Shara say, “Now, Bear, please no free-fall parachuting.” You know.  Since he broke his back in three places from free-fall parachuting and then rehabilitated himself using nothing but coffee grounds and a tree branch.

When Shara feels down in the dumps and Bear busts out his go-to Motivational Speech, does she say, “Shut up, doll.  My hormones can’t afford your corporate speaking fee.”

Or do they make sweet love in the dirt behind the chicken coop on their Welsh island?

And what about the wild woman factor?  What I’m asking here is if Shara lets her legs and armpits and…other areas…go wooly mammoth?  I’m curious.  Because as every good survivor specialist knows:  hair helps to conserve body heat.

And there’s obviously a lot of Clan-of-the-Cave-Bear style heat between Shara and Bear.  I mean, it’s Bear Fucking Grylls.

If my suspicions are correct, there’s a secret Shara-and-Bear sex tape based on every one of his bestselling books:

  • “Facing Up” =  “Missionary In the Wild”
  • “The Kid Who Climbed Everest” = “The Kid Who Climbed Twin Peaks”
  • “Facing the Frozen Ocean” = “Foreplay Melts Ice”

You get the picture.

In 2009, Bear was chosen to be Chief Scout.  The figure that 28 million scouts all over the world look up to.  Of everything he’s done in his life, Bear “considers this his proudest task.”

Does Shara give him shit about this?  Does she joke about badges and reference the movie “Troop Beverly Hills?”

Or is she super proud of his proudest task?

Does she refer to him as Chief Scout and say things like, “Let’s live our own adventure through scouting” and leave a trail of bread crumbs for the children to scout their way home from playdates?

Mrs. Man vs. Wild fascinates me.

Who is this mysterious Florence Nightingale figure who wipes the glorious perspiration from Bear’s brow?

And why won’t she leave my man the hell alone?

31 Responses to Mrs. Man Vs. Wild
  1. MommaKiss
    September 3, 2010 | 3:48 pm

    you’re like the highest level of stalker i’ve ever known.

    please stalk me.

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 3, 2010 | 10:01 pm

      Oh, it’s on. Leave milk and cookies outside the front door please.

  2. alyson : Common Sense, Dancing
    September 3, 2010 | 5:14 pm

    You had me at Anderson Cooper and the Y&R cast….

    Thank you.

  3. Yuliya
    September 3, 2010 | 5:30 pm

    I’d never heard of him before (we don’t have cable, gasp!) but this has to be made up, right? “Bear broke a world record by hosting a dinner party at a table suspended below a hot air balloon at 24,500 feet. He rappelled from the balloon’s basket to the table, where in full naval uniform he ate a three-course meal before saluting the queen and skydiving to earth.”

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 3, 2010 | 10:03 pm

      Oh, it’s all true. And just a typical day in the life of Bear Grylls. This man is high comedy. PLEASE watch at least part of an episode online.

  4. Aging Mommy
    September 3, 2010 | 5:58 pm

    I had never heard of this guy until today but now after this very lengthy expose (or should I say obsession driven lustful rant) I feel like I already know him so very well. I have to say though the name, Bear Grylls, that for me would be the total turnoff as I would not be able to stop myself laughing every time I tried to say it :-) As for the Thames if he catches then eats anything from it he won’t survive for long, no matter how many Everest attempts he is capable of.

    Oh my, I can’t wait to see what you write about next :-)

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 3, 2010 | 10:06 pm

      His name – and everything about him – is SO, SO funny. As I’ve told Tiffany from On the Verge, you need to play a drinking game while watching the show (drink every time he says “dehydrated,” drink every time he takes his shirt off, etc.). You will be drunk by minute 5.

      As for eating polluted fish from the Thames. Oh, he’ll survive.

      He’s Bear Grylls.

  5. Tiffany
    September 3, 2010 | 6:13 pm

    so, this is yet another reason why i’m so disappointed that we aren’t neighbors with three and a half feet between our houses where we can watch each other watching Man vs. Wild. i cannot even tell you how the husband and i are in lust with this show (and Bear–well, I’m in lust with Bear; the husband, not so much). And every time we watch it I’m like ‘his poor wife is at home like “freaking Bear–will you stop sucking goat balls* for protein for 5 minutes and help me fold some laundry?!”
    Man, Lupe–we really have to hang out. Even if it’s just to play ‘things Bear’s wife might say’ or ‘what animal sperm did Bear eat that possessed him to name his kids Marmaduke and Huckleberry.’ You know, normal sahm stuff.
    *’balls’ is a funny word. yeah, i’m like, 11.

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 3, 2010 | 10:08 pm

      We totally need to hang. Those SAHM games sound fun! Let’s organize a Bear Grylls viewing party.

  6. liz
    September 3, 2010 | 6:26 pm

    I confer completely with what Alyson said!

  7. cathie
    September 3, 2010 | 8:03 pm

    What channel?

  8. Alexandra
    September 4, 2010 | 12:25 am

    He is crazy, you know that, right? Please don’t want to be his wife b/c the thought of him warming up Chalupa to eat him just upsets me too much.

    Thank you.

    You, too, Tiff…he’d love your yummy babies.

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 4, 2010 | 2:53 pm

      That made me laugh. Yeah, I could totally see Bear eyeing the Chalupa and mentally calculating fat content and marrow and how long he could survive on toddler meat.

  9. The Barreness
    September 4, 2010 | 5:15 am

    Agreed. Fully. Oh and um…

    Also….

    …wait for it…

    I’ve met him.

    More than once.

    Oh yea.

    Let’s just say I occasionally travel in PR circles and attend celebrity-laden fund raising galas, a couple of which he was at. Sans Shara. (Methinks she is a fictitious character, sent to taunt the female population of the world.)
    We made a little joke about having nothing beter to do than attend charity bashes and how we really needed more selfish friends. (K-yoot) Also, he winks a lot. Not too much, but regularly. It’s so hot it’s distracting.

    As for the inevitable question of whether or not he’s as hot in real life as he is on the side of Everest – let me just say,

    GROWL.

    If he were Spanish I would not. Have been able to control myself.

    Seriously.

    – B x

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 4, 2010 | 2:52 pm

      Best. Comment. Ever.

      I can’t believe you met Senor Grylls! That is hilarious about the winking.

      Can I be your plus one at the next celebrity-laden fund raising gala?

  10. Ann's Rants
    September 5, 2010 | 9:36 am

    Marmaduke. Is not. an okay. choice.

    but..

    Stalk on!

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 6, 2010 | 2:53 pm

      Hey, I never said Bear was a genius in the naming department. Just the buns department. And the abs department.

  11. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
    September 5, 2010 | 1:05 pm

    Why do I think you’ve tried to procure this possible sex tape? That man is incredible. He can whittle a f’ing Four Seasons out of some driftwood and a coconut shell.

    The women in my new town in Maine must be preserving their body heat with their woolly bits. That must be it…

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 6, 2010 | 2:54 pm

      I don’t know why, but it cracks me up that you’re in Maine! I’ve got to hear the story on that one. Because Mainers are an interesting breed. And they are woolly, no doubt.

  12. Poppy
    September 5, 2010 | 7:32 pm

    After watching him extract the liquid from elephant excrement and drink it, my thighs no longer quiver when I watch him. If I’m going to take my chances with a celebrity with a potential coummunicable disease, I’d just as soon take my chances with one of the abtastic Jersey Shores cast members. Granted they have different accents, but Axe for men has got to smell better than wildebeest balls.

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 6, 2010 | 2:56 pm

      Poppy, who will save you when you get the disease? Hmm? Bear would be there to nurse you back to health, while “The Situation” would claim that STDs are sexy.

  13. Lindsay
    September 5, 2010 | 8:05 pm

    Naked push-up? I’m missing out.
    … that’s what I thought until I read “elephant excrement” comment. Marmaduke?! Like the great dane comic?! Bizzarro…
    By the way, I cannot wait for your Dear You Guys! As brilliant and hilarious as your posts always are, the comments are always quite amusing as well.

    • The Flying Chalupa
      September 6, 2010 | 2:57 pm

      Agreed – my commenters are genius.

      And it’s a known fact that elephant excrement keeps you hydrated enough to do at least 100 naked pushups.

  14. Bethany
    September 6, 2010 | 8:14 pm

    OK, 1: I love it when he drinks his own pee.
    2: Are those really his kids’ names? Dude.
    3: I thought that some big to-do happened because it was discovered that he was really staying in hotels at night while taping those shows. Was that a rumor?

  15. Sherri
    September 8, 2010 | 7:45 pm

    You picked a great one to stalk….I mean, he’s Bear. He’s so hot. Except for that whole I-drink-my-pee thing. Still, I might kiss him, even after that.

  16. KLZ
    September 9, 2010 | 10:28 am

    You know that somewhere she’s rolling her eyes thinking “sure, you climb Everest and eat raw snake brains but ask you to fold the laundry and suddenly you don’t want to do anything that’s HARD.”

  17. sparling74
    September 11, 2010 | 6:01 am

    I always wonder these things about people. Like when he returns from his expeditions, does he sit at home(which I did not expect would be a boat) and do nothing for a few months, basking in the security of 4 walls and running water? I happen to think the whole thing is sensationalized and I’m sorry to say I don’t think it’s all legit. Because he has a camera man, I don’t believe the 2 of them just sleep on bare ground and eat all the crap he claims to eat, etc. And what everyone forgets is that when he talks about how you can get depressed from bad eating and being cold and lonely, HE ISN’T ALONE. He has at least one camera man with him!!! I do not like him!

    But I would love to know what kind of woman married him!

  18. Alexandra
    September 11, 2010 | 10:47 pm

    Pffffffft.

    Came over from On The Verge, to see what she was talking about and to find out what the heck all the noise and hoolaboolah (totally just made that one up) was about this here sumpin sumpin Chaloopa thing.

    Whatev, Tiff…whatev..yawn….

    (shhhhhhhhhhhh…..don’t tell her…she thinks she’s my favorite, just trying to throw her off the scent, but I ADORE YOU CHALUPA MARRY ME I”LL BE GOOD TO FLYING CHALUPA..oh, snap, here comes tiff with her new do and eyeliner and all…)

    later, baby..xo

  19. Blogging Goddess
    September 12, 2010 | 3:15 pm

    So, I’m new around these parts, well, I’ve lurked and looked and not commented, cuz I’m kinda shy…but made my way here through a round about blogging route…and well, nice to meet you and all that jazz.

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