I just can’t help it.
I got Bear Grylls on the brain.
You know. He’s that hot British star of Man vs. Wild.
As well as one of the youngest – and hottest – to climb Everest.
And THE youngest and hottest to climb Mt. Ama Dablam in the Himalayas, which Sr. Edmund Hillary and I agree is a killer climb.
Bear is the McGiver of televised survival expeditions and his mesmerizing accent makes it impossible to turn the channel.
His chiseled abdomen also makes it impossible.
He is the king of the outrageous and the unexpected.
He will spend the night in a fresh camel carcass to escape a sand storm. He will eat raw snake brains because tribal leaders believe it prevents Alzheimer’s.
And at least once an episode, his will get naked and do push-ups.
To avoid hypothermia. And heat stroke.
And bad tan lines.
He is overly dramatic in a way that both Anderson Cooper and the cast of The Young & the Restless would appreciate.
And when I’m not perfecting Bear’s pronunciation of “glacier” or thinking about what kind of insurance his camera-man has (Blue Cross Insanity), I’m thinking about Mrs. Bear Grylls.
Also known as Shara. Or the woman behind the Man vs. Wild.
Here is what any good stalker knows:
- They live on a house boat on the Thames River
- And on a small Welsh island
- And have three sons: Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry.
What I don’t know is if Bear and his progeny go spear-fishing in the Thames for breakfast?
And does Bear row the kids to school in a self-carved wooden boat modeled after King Henry VIII’s first wedding barge?
Does Shara pack them a lunch of raw carp brains to boost their immune system in preparation for adventures with dad?
Did Shara win the coin toss on “Jesse” but lose the next two battles?
Is Jesse teased for being a Mama’s Boy? And because he thinks floating down the Mississippi River is disgusting?
Are family vacations referred to as “expeditions?”
Are star-rated hotels frowned upon? Or does Shara put her foot down and say, “Goddamn it, Bear, I want a shower. And food that’s not cooked over an open-flame. And water that’s not melted from snow on the side of a mountain.”
For that matter, does Shara tell Bear he stinks? That he’s hot but he stinks? You know, cause he’s been in the wild for a gazillion years and he smells like wildebeest balls?
Bear is a black-belt. So is Shara practiced in the arts of karate? During their downtime, do they lovingly spar together?
When Bear heads out to film, does Shara say, “Now, Bear, please no free-fall parachuting.” You know. Since he broke his back in three places from free-fall parachuting and then rehabilitated himself using nothing but coffee grounds and a tree branch.
When Shara feels down in the dumps and Bear busts out his go-to Motivational Speech, does she say, “Shut up, doll. My hormones can’t afford your corporate speaking fee.”
Or do they make sweet love in the dirt behind the chicken coop on their Welsh island?
And what about the wild woman factor? What I’m asking here is if Shara lets her legs and armpits and…other areas…go wooly mammoth? I’m curious. Because as every good survivor specialist knows: hair helps to conserve body heat.
And there’s obviously a lot of Clan-of-the-Cave-Bear style heat between Shara and Bear. I mean, it’s Bear Fucking Grylls.
If my suspicions are correct, there’s a secret Shara-and-Bear sex tape based on every one of his bestselling books:
- “Facing Up” = “Missionary In the Wild”
- “The Kid Who Climbed Everest” = “The Kid Who Climbed Twin Peaks”
- “Facing the Frozen Ocean” = “Foreplay Melts Ice”
You get the picture.
In 2009, Bear was chosen to be Chief Scout. The figure that 28 million scouts all over the world look up to. Of everything he’s done in his life, Bear “considers this his proudest task.”
Does Shara give him shit about this? Does she joke about badges and reference the movie “Troop Beverly Hills?”
Or is she super proud of his proudest task?
Does she refer to him as Chief Scout and say things like, “Let’s live our own adventure through scouting” and leave a trail of bread crumbs for the children to scout their way home from playdates?
Mrs. Man vs. Wild fascinates me.
Who is this mysterious Florence Nightingale figure who wipes the glorious perspiration from Bear’s brow?
And why won’t she leave my man the hell alone?