The cold is coming and everyone has their panties in a wad.
But not me.
No! I relish a frosty nip (from the bottle).
I embrace the freeze(r).
I’ll take the rain(check).
I’m a hardy sort of gal. The kind who wakes up in mid-February, pours herself a glass half empty of Gloom with Negative Vitamin D, puts on her boots and climbs aboard the Good Ship Despair, as navigated by Sylvia Plath.
We’re going to have a lot of indoor time coming up and lucky for you, I’ve unearthed a lost volume of nursery rhymes about this special season.
As you read and reread them to your children in front of a crackling fire, I hope they learn some choice new words – and a glorious outlook on life.
It warms my heart just thinking of it.
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NURSERY RHYMES – THE WINTER EDITION
By Mother “Cold As A Witches’ Tit” Goose
————————-
Rain, Rain Go Away
Rain, rain go away
come again another day;
Little Chalupa wants to play.
Mommy is sick of the “rumpus” room.
Mommy is not made for crafts unless it’s spelled with a ‘k’ and involves cheese.
Mommy regrets not having made more friends with enormous playrooms.
Mommy considers sending hate mail to the Gymoree that closed.
Mommy will mourn the loss of open play time
For many rainy seasons to come.
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It’s Raining, It’s Pouring
It’s raining, it’s pouring;
And it’s only October! Awesome.
No summer and then five inches of rain on a weekend!
The old man is snoring.
I’d like to bump him on the head
And get him out of bed
And then maybe he can take the kid
To the Sunday morning-creepy guy-lame-ass-music show
Instead of me because it’s always me and why the hell is it always me?
Oh. Because he couldn’t get up in the morning
And music shows just aren’t his thing.
Yeah. That’s it.
——————————–
The North Wind Doth Blow
The north wind doth blow,
And we shall have snow – well, maybe snow is a little far-fetched,
But would you go for some more mother-effing rain?
And what will poor Mommy do then,
Poor thing?
She’ll engage in thermostat wars,
Attempt to warm her feet against the unwilling and much warmer being next to her in bed,
And press her case for investing in the Full Spectrum Light Therapy Box,
Poor thing.
—————————
Doctor Foster
Doctor Foster – let’s call him the Chalupa – and I went to Gloucester,
Also known as preschool – in a shower of rain.
First, I thanked the gods for all-wheel-drive.
Next, I cursed the high-tech gadgetry of rear windshield wipers.
And then, the Chalupa stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle – but thank god
he was the proud owner of an overpriced fireman raincoat and matching boots!
And never went there again.
Until the following Wednesday.
————————————-
One Misty Moisty Morning
One misty, moisty morning
When my hair was looking particularly frizzy
And cloudy was the weather – wait! Cloudy, you say?
Jumpin’ jehoshephat, weatherman! You are God’s gift to
Winter weather prediction and a screaming endorsement of
A Bachelor’s in Atmospheric Science! Asshole.
I chanced to meet an old man,
Clothed all in leather,
Was he homeless? Was he David Bowie?
He began to compliment
And I began to grin.
Nervously, I admit, because
My kid was in the car and I had to get the dry cleaning
and let us not forget that it was misty and moisty, and
Is he singing China Doll or actually saying something to me?
“How do you do? And how do you do?
And how do you do again?”
How am I doing?
How am I doing?
I’m wet. I’m cold. I’m pissed.
The fleece is no longer appropriate.
Cabin-fever is an understatement.
And my Uggs are sustaining water damage.
—————————–
THE END.
Or the beginning, I suppose.
Happy Season of Eternal Darkness, everyone!
No!! No water damage on the Uggs!
This is an awesome collection of songs; songs that will be sung and repeated in homes and rumpus rooms everywhere. I dread the cold and wet, and yes a nip (from the bottle) would help.
Oh, how I hated those stupid lame guy music shows. I feel your pain.
The same to you! We’ve already had snow for two days. Gone now, but still… I keep trying to think of pleasant parts of winter…I’ll let you know if I come up with anything.
I only wish I’d had these when my kids were little. Keep em coming! There’s snow on the mountains – as seen from inside my cozy house – and I’m going to need the entertainment.
Perfect! And the kids will learn English in one go!
It sucks that I live in a place that the kids can only play outside for 5 months out of the year. I really should have thought about my location before convincing children.
Great post, found your blog from Twitter.
*sigh* Such amazing poetry..
I may have laughed most though at the Sylvia Plath reference.
Have you heard the Shawn Colvin song, “Object of My Affection?”
“You see the women in the photographs,
Sweet Anne of Mercy and Sylvia Plath
For a thousand words, they got a life sentence.
If you lined up all the girls who had died in vain
You could walk on their heads from hell and back again.
But I’ve got a good book…and anti-depressants.”
I love Shawn Colvin. She also writes awesome poetry.
But SHE never worked the word “Chulupa” in.
You certainly have a gift for the prose! A true poet!
I think I like It’s Raining! It’s Pouring best. Fab!
All I can do is this:
Roses are Red
Violets smell
I need a drink
My in-laws are hell
Well, aren’t those just the most darling nursery rhymes I ever did hear? Why did you have to remind me about hours and hours and hours and hours of indoor play???? Ahhhhh!!!
BTW, you totally guessed right on my little pop quiz! You knew it, girrrrrrrlfriend.
SPARE THE UGGS!
There’s a special thing you can buy to treat them before you expose them to water, I still haven’t done this and it’s going to snow soon. Oh yeah when you complain about your rain please remember that some of us will be shoveling snow just to exit our driveways.
We rarely get wet. You can come live with me and together we can bitch about the heat and the dryness. Okay, I’ll be doing the bitching and you can do the enjoying, I guess.
NO! NOT THE UGGS!!!
Well for us this is the perfect time of year weather wise, fall and spring here are when it is just so very nice, warm but not hot and we get to go outside, whereas in summer we go crazy being inside.
Only thing I don’t like about fall now I am a mother? The damn bugs – the snot bugs, the vomit bugs, the all of them. Spluttering as I am with cold number two of this fall season
Loved the rhymes!
Watch out PBS – I smell a children’s show in the works. Your nursery rhymes read by a grown woman with freckles painted on her cheeks. ANYTHING made out of yarn….it’ll be a huge hit.
Brilliant! Bravo. My husband’s favorite tease (or one of them) is the story I unwisely told him of how my parents once referred to me as “unhearty”. But now I wonder. Did they mean “unhardy”? Was it the yankee accent that threw them off? Whatever. Screw them. I’m plenty hearty, hardy. I just hate cold. The end. (you are much more eloquent, dear Chalupa mama)
Before kids, me and my natural inclination for laziness looked forward to a long winter in which to hibernate (and winter in Vermont is LONG).
Now, me and my lazy ass dread being cooped up with children who require I not be my lazy ass self.
Chalupa, Chalupa:
do you not know? Avoid ANYTHING navigated by Sylvia Platt at all costs.
I mean, jump ship.
I remember having to read “The Bell Jar” in high school, and the only thing that kept going thru my head was me wanting to stand up and shout in class, “what the heck is going on here? this chick is bringing me DOWN!”
Chalupa, turn on every light in the house, and keep every light on till at least April…who cares if your husband can see the house from 10 blocks away cuz it’s lit up like a football field?
Serious biz here, like I”ve told you, serious biz fighting these winter blues.
I am up in arms and at the ready for you.
ALways.
Oh the humanity of UGG damage. Those fackers are so expensive, that they should come with some sort of boot owner insurance.
You? Are hilarious.
Mommy is not made for crafts unless it’s spelled with a ‘k’ and involves cheese.
Mommy regrets not having made more friends with enormous playrooms.
Mommy considers sending hate mail to the Gymoree that closed.
I love it. I can barely think of new ways to appease my snorting pug let alone deal with actual children people who need to play and do cheese krafts. You’re my hero.
with you it’s just great idea after great idea…and each of them executed to a “T”
That was one gorgeous post. It made my eyes moisty. I can’t believe you said moisty. Ewww.
I live in the Bell Jar November thru March.
I’m craving macaroni and cheese now.
My favorite line is “It’s raining, it’s pouring; And it’s only October! Awesome.”
I would like to make friends with the person that has the largest wooden playhouse in the neighborhood since we don’t have anything but a tree swing which is only exciting when someone occasionally turns and smashes into the tree. Great songs!! I feel your pain when the rain won’t go away..and when a small child gets soaked on the way into class…thank goodness for the back-up set of clothes in the cubby.
“And never went there again. Until the following Wednesday.”
Funny stuff!
I live in Oregon. The home of Eternal Darkness. And never-ending rain.
So yeah… we’re hereby adopting the Chalupa rendition of Mother Goose as the officially sanctioned version in our house. Well done, you.
Oh dear, can I print these and sing them to my children? Or better yet, will you come and sing to them? I have a nasaly singing voice. I’d prefer you to start with It’s Raining it’s Pouring.