The Feng Shui of Holiday Decorating

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS:  DAY 2

On the second day of Christmas, the holiday spirit vomited in my living room.

Fortunately, the ancient Chinese art of feng shui was strictly adhered to and the positive flow of chi is now co-mingling nicely with the pine-scented air-freshener.

An easy education in aesthetics?  No.  This most glorious balance of yin and yuletide was an arduous process.

Let this be a guide to us all.  Please substitute ‘menorah’ or ‘gelt’ or ‘kwanzaa bush’ in the appropriate places.

1.  On November 26th, acknowledge the path of your soul – the one that leads to your basement closet.

2.  Enlightenment awaits you.  In each of the 15 boxes marked CHRISTMAS! and FRAGILE! and OSTER TOASTER OVEN!

3.  Use the laws of Heaven and Earth to move Heaven and Earth and that enormous fake tree in a hellish one-man endeavor.  Ask if he needs help without any intention of helping.

4.  Find the magnetic compass that you bought from the Sharper Image in 1996.  Determine the north-south axis of the living room and ponder astrology:  which direction would the tree of a Leo and an Aquarius face?  In the center of the room with an objective but intellectual-bent?  Oh.  Sorry.  Astronomy.  Check out the constellations ‘n shit.

5.  According to the Big Dipper and the cable satellite that looks like a star, the three-piece-blue-fur should go in the corner, displacing the activity table, easel, and box of trucks.  Artfully place toys in special nooks throughout room.  The fire engine makes a lovely magazine rack.

6.  Use the Five-Element Theory to disperse paraphernalia within boxes:

* METAL: Place decomposing 1980-circa tinsel on the tree.  The mantle.  The banister.  The entry-way table.  An Evil Axis of Tinsel, one might say.

* FIRE: Learn how to use the fire place.  Who needs an open flue?  Breathe the smell of burning wood.  Just like a Native American smoke ceremony.  Is that sage?  No.  No, that’s not right.  It’s too smokey.  Put it out.  PUT IT OUT.  Artfully place candles on the table.  The mantle.  The entry-way table.

* WOOD: Salvage tin of pine cones collected circa 1978.  Relish the memory of your parents telling you what great memories you have of that.  Contemplate your lack of wreath.  Salivate over the $80 circles of wood from Williams-Sonoma.  Time for arts-and-crafts!  Create strange and mysterious Wiccan symbols using sticks and acorns.

* EARTH: It’s time to make sure the community knows you are filled with the holiday spirit.  Check out the chi of your dwelling.  The orientation of the house.  Is it auspicious?  Does it face Bed, Bath & Beyond?  Was it built on the ancient burial grounds of housing permits and neighborhood feuds?  Let the earth experience renewal and positivity.  Place the plastic Santa firmly in the ground.  The sleigh and eight huge reindeer.  The inflatable manger scene.  Make sure the Baby Jesus is looking squarely in your neighbor’s bathroom window.  And just as ancient Chinese custom dictates, make sure your house is lit up brighter than a Chinese buffet on Kids-Eat-Free-On-Fridays.

* WATER: Perhaps most important of all, dust off the Frosty-the-Snowman wine decanter.  The “Christmas With the Carpenters” beer steins.  The chi of everything hangs on proximity to bodies of water like chardonnay and Anchor Steam Holiday Ale.  Positivity increases with harder bodies of water, such as Red Label and Black Label.  In fact, “feng shui” literally translates as “wind-water.” In other words, “the spiritual aesthetics of passing gas while drinking hot-toddies.”

7.  When boxes are emptied, focus on the centerpiece of the dining room table.  With generous measurements, you can fit approximately three:  the red glittered gem from Costco, the artfully arranged tray of candles, the must-have vase of ornaments recommended by the Crate and Barrel catalog.  Perfect.  Not only do you not have to make eye-contact with anyone at dinner, you can enjoy the peace and quiet afforded by the sound barrier of a 2-ft by 4-ft holiday hedge.

8.  Discover lost stash of bows.  Bows make everything look better.  Bow up the faux-snowed boughs, bow up the mini-trees festooned on the forgotten east-west axis, then bow up the bows.

9.  Pause in remembrance of the Sinatra-singing-&-dancing reindeer than never was.

10.  Remember to rehydrate.  Water out the yang and yin to the gin on the rocks.  FA-LA-LA-LA-FUCK-YEAH-THIS-IS-FUN!  The chi is overflowing like red and green lava erupting from Mount St. Nick.

11.  Pretend you’re the Chinese Dean Martin.  Dance by yourself  beneath the dollar-store mistletoe.

I can hear the sounds of jingle bells
Long before Batman smells
Make me thrill as only Chi knows how
Fung Shway me smooth, fung shway me now
You know how
Fung Shway me smooth, fung shway me nooooooow!

12.  Your job is done.  The place is looking like the set to “Ernest Saves Christmas.”  Give your chi a pat on the yang.

13.  Set out a plate of milk and cookies.  It’s never too early and the Tao of Indulgence demands it.