Welcome to the final post of the Dueling Banjos Trilogy with Kristin from Taming Insanity. It has been a privilege and an honor to engage in a blog post-off with her.
TOPIC #3: Beyonce is pregnant.
___________________________________________________________
Someday…
Somehow…
Jay-Z will impregnate Beyonce.
And when he does, the date will be set for the greatest show on earth…
LABOR AND DELIVERY: THE WORLD TOUR
WHERE: Madison Square Garden Hospital, a Sutter Health Affiliate
WHO:
- Mother and Father: Beyonce and Jay-Z
- Costume Designer / Grandmother: Tina Knowles
- Stage Manager / Grandfather: Matthew Knowles
- The Doula: Michelle Williams
- Sound Engineer: The Anesthesiologist
- Lighting: The Nurses
- Choreographer: The Doctor
_________________________
OPENING ACT: ”Dangerously In Love”
BEYONCE (on a birthing ball):
Got me lookin’ so crazy right now! Your love’s got me lookin’ so crazy right now!
JAY-Z (also on a birthing ball, staring deep into his wife’s eyes):
Got me lookin’ so crazy right now! Your touch’s got me lookin’ so crazy right now!
TOGETHER (holding hands and rolling on the ball in a circular motion):
Lookin’ so crazy in love’s got me lookin’ got me lookin’ so crazy in love!
THE DOULA / MICHELLE: Perfect. And breathe! And breathe! The baby is feeling the beat!
TINA: Costume change! Get the Louboutins! And the long, flowy Cavalli number! Where’s the fan? Make sure her hair is blowing left, LEFT!
MATTHEW: Time to move to the rocking chair. Beyonce, please take a sip of Pepsi and apply the L’Oreal lipstick. Make sure we got that on film. Our sponsors are counting on this.
BEYONCE: (on the rocking chair, eyes closed): If I were a boy! Even just for one day!
JAY-Z: Girl, I know you’re hurting but don’t start that kind of talk…
BEYONCE: (eyes open now): But you’re just a boy, you don’t understand!
THE DOULA / MICHELLE: You look amazing, B! Here’s your sachet of essential oils for strength and calm.
TINA: Honey, do you think you can squeeze into this leopard-print v-neck leotard? It snaps at the crotch for the big number.
MATTHEW: Thirty seconds until the birthing tub! Alert the photographer from Maxim.
SOUND ENGINEER / ANESTHESIOLOGIST: I’m sorry, sir, listening to the feedback from your daughter’s mike, it’s time for the epidural.
JAY-Z (to Beyonce, suddenly freaking out): I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly! I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!
SOUND ENGINEER: Um, do you mean the jelly used for ultrasounds?
BEYONCE (totally freaking out): I don’t think I’m ready for this jelly! (a contraction hits) GIVE ME THE GODDAMN JELLY!
CHOREOGRAPHER / DR (sweeping through the door with a grand jete): Oh, hey, you know what? You’re like 8 centimeters dilated…that is way too late for the jelly.
SOUND ENGINEER: Can we stop referring to this as jelly? It’s a needle. A foot-long needle.
BEYONCE (another contraction hits): WHAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGUUUUUUHHHHHH!
__________________________
MAIN ACT: ”I am…Sasha Fierce.”
The nurses dim the lights…
Tina makes sure her daughter is clad from head to toe in House of Dereon.
Matthew is negotiating a promotional deal for his future grandchild with Similac and Ciroc Vodka.
The doula went to find a vending machine.
Beyonce and Jay-Z take center stage.
BEYONCE (a wild, angry she-beast): I’m an independent woman! I’m a survivor! I am Sasha Fierce!
JAY-Z: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! I like that attitude!
BEYONCE (hissing): SHUT. UP. That is the last time (contraction) AAAAAHHHHHH! – Foxy Cleopatra plays hide-and-seek with your Gold Member. (she closes her eyes and enters the zone) I’m an independent woman, I’m a survivor, I’m bootylicious, I am Sasha Fierce -
JAY-Z: But baby!
BEYONCE: Don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin’ you’re irreplaceable! (contraction) MMMWWWWAAAAHHHH!!! Why did I put a ring on it WHY! (closes eyes) I’m a survivor I’m a survivor.
CHOREOGRAPHER / DR: Uh, excuse me, you two? The Fighting Temptations? It’s time to push. Thank you aaaand push. Very nice. The screams are a bit much, but okay. And once more…perfect…okay, Mr. Z? Do you have the Yankees swaddling blanket ready and waiting? Once more with feeling! And done.
THE DOULA / MICHELLE (reappearing out of nowhere): Sweet Destiny’s Child! A dream girl!
______________________
AFTER (BIRTH): ”B-Day.”
The Z Family, sitting in the nose-bleeds, applauding.
Tina dresses Beyonce in Tommy Hilfiger and Emporio Armani to fulfill sponsorships requirements.
Matthew is drunk-twittering.
BEYONCE (holding the infant, crazy in love): Say my name, say my name…mama, it’s mama.
JAY-Z (cautiously hugging his now-calm wife): Let’s call her BeJeter. BeJeter-Z. I’m gonna text the Steinbrenners.
Suddenly, the couple freezes.
What’s happening?…no, it couldn’t be…the baby is moving!…it’s standing up ON ITS OWN…what is it doing?…wait…is it?…yes, it’s DANCING!
Suddenly the eery sound of “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” comes out of nowhere.
The baby is dancing like an eight-pound ball of crazy to “Single Ladies.”
MATTHEW (transfixed): Get the video camera. YouTube! Mutha. Fucking. YOUTUBE!
************
BeJeter. A star is born.
I like the Who/What/Where set up. Points for that. The duet was smart, awarded you a few more points. BeJeter is a clever name. Now, you’re racking up more points! It is almost a draw, but Taming Insanity sent me her & wins by a small margin. But you get an honorable mention!!!! And a new follower. How do you like them beans?
How does your mind even do this? You just incorporating like 80 songs into Beyonce’s birth… you have skills. love the part about the leopard leotard and the “8 pound ball of crazy.” HIlarious!!!!
I have been waiting for the 3rd installment of the dueling banjos and you didn’t disappoint!
Thanks for the laughs and Bejeter? It’s perfect!
I will not decide.
I love you both…no need to do a King Solomon split the babies thing.
You BOTH brought it.
“holding hands and rolling on the ball in a circular motion” Oh, my…laughed so hard at that visual.
Thank you (and KLZ) for making my dueling banjos dream come true!
Seriously, why did she put a ring on it?
My hat is off to you. Thank you for crushing me with a banjo.
I think I just peed myself a little reading this, but in a good way. It’s exactly like something my best friend and I used to do just because we were bored.
Mutha. Fucking. YOUTUBE! <– best closing line evah.
You guys are to much!! What a great idea!!
And I seriously can’t wait for Beyonce to have a baby now!
You are so amazing. I love every last thing you write, Tarj.
So damn funny. Two small questions, though:
Why the hell was Tina not outfitting Beyonce in EXCLUSIVELY House of Dereon?
and…where was Kelly Rowland? Always the ugly stepcousin, i guess.
Ewwwww…I could have done without the needle reference. Ignorance is bliss.
You crack me up!! Thank you! Love the dancing baby.
Hysterical! Love this.
Well done! This is such fun to read and imagine what the video would be like.
I actually laughed out loud, and then cursed your brilliance and cried myself to sleep.
I say the baby comes out with less rythm than Steve Martin from The Jerk, but she’ll still look good in a newborn leotard.
The Similac/Vodka deal? Insanity!
And this: Foxy Cleopatra plays hide-and-seek with your Gold Member.
Hysterical!
Tarjita, you have hollywood so nailed. it’s the one goofy constant we can rely on.
Tarja, I think you should start your own Gossip Mag..it would be way more entertaining than People!
My money’s on Sasha Fierce in the delivery room, if my memory isn’t that foggy after 12 years.
You and KLZ cracked me up this week, but you are too witty for me to keep up with at times!
Oh mah facken 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus or the “bjay-z” messiah. You kill me.
This is great! Never knew so many of her songs could be referenced here! Maybe you need to make your own version of Mama Mia with Beyonce’s tunes!
I can’t quit laughing!!!! Haaaa!!! Bejeter-z. Love it!! I can’t get the visual of an 8 pound baby droppin’ it like it was hot.
F to the izz I, CH to the izz A!
That’s the anthem! Get your damn hands up!
Holla!
“Tina makes sure her daughter is clad from head to toe in House of Dereon.” Choked on my coffee!! Awesome!
This story is crazy and goes perfectly with my vodka lemonade. ::: cheers! :::
Oh great now I am going to have to spend the entire day with the image of a leopard-print v-neck leotard clad Beyonce on a birthing ball in my head.
That conference call is going bust…
All I could think the entire time I was reading this is “But can you pay mah BILLS? Pay my telephone BILLS? Pay my automobills? PAY MY BAY-BEH BILLS?”
And now I’m going to be thinking about Allie McBeal all night. Sorry. This genius post deserved a better comment than that. I’m tired. I wish my comment was hot like your post.
I can never keep my train of compliments straight because your posts are so laden with lines I want to keep in my head forever.
BeJeter was right below Liv on my list of names, too.
Honestly, can you produce a delivery tape of soothing Beyonce sounds and beats for all expecting mothers. I had no idea her lyrics were so…maternal.
The Jelly part really killed me. Ewwww.
Hysterical. I had to stumble it.
The best part? Let’s call her BeJeter. BeJeter-Z.
Sounds just like the kind of crazy celebrity name that would come at the end of a production like this.
Even funnier now that Bejeter Z will be arriving in oh six months or so!
Brilliant writing!