THE SINGLE YEARS
The Shining (Moon): The reluctant memory of the nude sleeping stage.
The Blair Tequila Project: The haunting memory of boilermaker vomit.
(Legal-Aged) Children of the Corn: The awkward memories involving a series of blondes.
THE DATING YEARS
Seed of Chucky: The scarring memory of an increased libido.
Jaws (Dropping): The indelible memory of a foray into role-playing.
THE PREGNANT YEARS
28 Days Later: The wretched memory of morning sickness.
Pee Cemetery: The unending memory of a frequent urinator.
The Blob: The substantial memory of a stranded Orca.
THE CHILD YEARS
Scream 1: The spit-up scented memory of the first three months.
Scream 2: The Guantanamo-scented memory of sleep-training.
Scream 3: The dictatorial-scented memory of the age 2.
Leprechaun: The repetitive memory of maniacal circus escapees jumping, jumping, jumping.
Nightmare On Co-Sleeping Street: The invasive memory of a too-crowded holding cell.
Not-So-Silence of the Lambs: The mournful memory of a quiet night.
THE LATER YEARS
Evil Dead-Snorer II: The mournful memory of a quiet night.
Freddy Krueger Had Sleep-Apnea: The concerned memory of dead weight for 3-5 seconds.
Invasion of the Body Functions: The foul memory of uncontrollable gas.
Dawn of the Dead (Who Let Themselves Go): The heavy memory of 50 extra pounds.
Ex’s Chainsaw Masacre: The horrific memory of imminent divorce.
Saw (More Than Necessary): The horrific memory of reconciliation that shakes you to your visco-elastic polyurethane core from which there’s no bouncing back.
Oh, Chalupa… I don’t know how you do this.
Go where no blogger has gone before.
I am shaking my head in wonderment.
Funny, sweet, accurate, could work as well on a tombstone as on a T shirt.
You cover it all.
That memory foam mattress saw a lot during these stages of your life.
Another brilliantly creative, funny, spot on and totally unique post.
My friend, your talent knows no bounds.
Invasion of the Bodily Functions?!
Oh Chalupa . . . Unfortunately, I know that film all too well.
In fact, it could be a Sleeping with the Enemy kind of thing, if you know what I mean.
This made me tired… lol.
Brilliant! Did you ever see “Back to the Futon”? Because that seemed to be very popular right after college.
Oh, these nightmares just keep getting worse! It’s time for a new mattress with no memory at all….fresh and ready for nothing but slumber.
Ahhh…
And I agree with Alexandra. How do you pull these strings of funny out of your head time and time again? Your humor is on such a high level that you’re making me think and laugh at the same time.
Love that.
Ha! Love your imagination. Indeed.. if memory foam could talk.. oh yes…
It’s the husband that’s the snorer – isn’t it?
Hmmm….did I already comment on this? I’m too full of mucus to be sure.
that was pretty graphic, huh? Just wait – it’ll get worse when I get pregnant.
Oh, how I relate to the last two!
I love this post–so true!
yeah. we used to be twenty-something all naked under the sheets because that’s just how we rolled.
now, i’m covered in rolls and the husband sleeps in what can only be described as a chinchilla-lined parka and sweatpants.
ps- ‘nightmare on co-sleeping street’ is so awesome it kind of makes me want to be you.
Is your memory foam being replaced? Is this what brought on this retrospective on said mattress’ career?
Memory foam lasts too long. I’d get Lobotomy Foam next.
Saw (More Than Necessary). Nice. Nice.
You and your friends are extremely quick and you know some really crummy movies I don’t know and cannot relate to. BUT I wish I could, which must count for what, 5 points? Throw me a bone on this one, TJ. Now, could we discuss nightmares related to Beach Blanket Bingo, Dial M for Mother, and The Postman Always Rings While I’m Sleeping? And in long-hand, puleeeeese.
This is so hilarious! Only you could compare a mattress and horror movies.
I think that mattress needs counseling… poor thing. Love this post so much.
God,, I’m only at Leprechaun. Ugh, sounds like it gets worse! lol
Hilarious. I remember some of those movies myself.
So, Pee Cemetery. Was there a 2 by chance? I can’t go all night without having to pee.
OK, that’s hilarious.
Now, write the hotel version. Argh!
Just became aware of you on Twitter b/c @GDRPempress linked us in a post. Glad she did, funny lady.
Well clearly people that say “if these walls could talk” have no imagination. Unlike our Mother of the Chalupa. Genius as always.
So you’re telling me that the symphony of snores that my husband orchestrates every night could lead to divorce. I knew it.
Fabulous as usual. Although now I think my nightmares might be due to all the crap my mattress has seen. I need a new one with no memory foam at all.
It might be time to buy a new mattress?
I first read this on Miami from atop a hotel mattress and it gave me some heebs thinking of all the memories that very mattress must possess.