I am.
The Closer.
I’m actually the Starter as well. And Middle Relief. And it’s a little known fact that I’m a Left-Handed Specialist.
But closing is what I’m known for. It involves drama. A hint of mental instability. A dash of I’m-Gonna-Pop-You-If-You-Step-Outside-the-Box-Again.
I can close out Breakfast.
I can close out Lunch.
And Dinner? Shit, yeah, I can close out Dinner.
Nap Time? Play time? Bed time? CLOSED.
And you don’t get to be the greatest closer in the game without learning a few things along the way.
Every morning, I wake up from New Hampshire. It gives me that extra edge.
I cover myself in tats. I’ve got Lighting McQueen on one bicep, Winnie the Pooh on the other and Caillou on my left ass cheek.
I make it a habit to clash with authority figures. Go ballistic with the librarian. Irate with the PG&E Meter Checker. Kung-fu with the cashier. Then I slowly turn and give my kid a long look. Eyebrow arched.
During parent-teacher conferences, I grow a crazy black beard. On my legs.
I convert the majority of my save opportunities into wins. And walk off the mound with my signature hand-jive-moon-walk that honors the Big Bravo TV In The Sky.
And then I rub it in the Backup Closer’s face.
At fundraising galas, I wear florescent orange Reebok EasyTones. At every opportunity I hiss, “What are you gonna do? Fuckin’ fine me?
At the gym, I run on the treadmill in black stilettos.
When the team loses confidence, I declare that I am a certified ninja. And that Peter Pan taught me everything he knew. In a dream.
I have an imaginary friend. And call her Betty Friedan.
I keep the media on their toes. I make outrageous claims like “I wanna rage right now” or “I have too much awesome on my feet” or “Screw it. Red Bull time.”
When I close out Bedtime, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” is played as I walk into the room.
When I secure the win, I toss the book down and yell “The Night Kitchen is closed, Mickey, it’s goddamn CLOSED!”
Because in a game of endless innings, in an endless season, you gotta keep the focus. Heighten the fear. Sass the umpire. Moon the crowd.
Sure, you can strain an oblique every now and then. Take a break. But then you gotta get back out there.
The game ain’t gonna win itself. Think ERA, baby. Are you gonna let your kid knock one out of the park on YOUR watch?
No.
So shut up and close it.
I would be scared of you too with all those tats you have.
I think I need to practice my closing skills.
We have the same tattoos!
For some reason I turned Left handed specialist into something dirty, and never got passed it. : )
If you ever wanna give a clinic on how to close, come on down. We could use an enforcer on the bed time shift.
I have to admit, Mr. Chalupa, I have no idea what you are talking about, yet it made me laugh.
I get fined for having too much awesome on my feet all. the. time.
Plus, I obviously go bacon instead of strange sausage when ordering omelettes.
Dude. I might be a secret closer, too.
Except ninjas kind of intimidate me. So probably not, right?
wow, brian wilson. shades of the wild one! scary. and you’re scary, too, mama chalupa. if i were the flying chalupa i would keep my mouth shut, be obedient as a sumbitch, and roost way up there in the rafters, one eye shut and one eye cocked for the closer.
i want to be a mental assassin! hahaha. wow. i can’t tell if he’s batshit or just the funniest guy ever.
“And walk off the mound with my signature hand-jive-moon-walk that honors the Big Bravo TV In The Sky. And white wine.” You’re hilarious, soster! And yes, your deity is totally the Bravo network!
Caillou on my left ass cheek.
This is brilliant Tarja. I freaky love this.
A
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And I’m using “What are you gonna do? Fuckin’ fine me?” at my PTO meeting as soon as I can.
CanNOT wait until chalupa starts school and you have to rangle with the momcrowd there.
This is gonna be gold.
xo
Goddamn Wendi Aarons took my joke again.
That’s why she gets coffee, and I don’t. Coffee is for closers.
If Caillou isn’t enough to strike the fear of God into the heart of every mother out there I don’t know what will.
Preschool moms beware! Mother of Chalupa’s ass cheek will be bare!
quite possibly the best blog I’ve stumbled upon yet. this was awesome.
Having wasted a year and a half of my life in New Hampshire, I can attest that those people have a seriosu chip on their shoulder. If you wake up from there, you definitely have an edge.
I am laughing out loud at this one! Your imagination is NUTS & I love it! You’re damn right we’re the closers!!!
Fucking Caillou.
You can bring it, that’s for sure. Mortals should quake in fear.
My 4-year-old twins are starting baseball this month. This will be the pep talk at their first game. Thanks.
Here from SITS .. I know, SURPRISE! Not many of us actually show up.
I came expecting the usual “I have an amazing husband who I love to clean up after (I worship his brains like I have none of my own!), 5 children; all of whom I’m still breast feeding, and I LOVE all of it!”
.. I admit, my love of chalupas is what initially made me click over, not so much the rules.
I’m glad I came by. Finally! Someone with something Kung-Fu to say .. I might just have to come back. I’m all over Brian like monkeys on crack.
I’ve got the black beard under my arms, but I may need to borrow your imaginary friend for a night or two because I suck at closing. Plus, it will be fun to have a handsome lady friend around so we can braid each other’s hair while Hank is busy shaving the cat. No, we don’t have a cat.
Having seen many a parent-teacher conference in action, I have to say that this line got my attention:
“During parent-teacher conferences, I grow a crazy black beard. On my legs.”
Because seriously, Tarja? When Chalupa enters the all-mighty school system and there’s a teacher sitting across from you? They had best be on their game.
The Closer you are. And I’m so glad you didn’t stoop to the level of Thomas the Tank Engine tats.
The next time I get roped into Girl Scout cookie duty, I am going to flash my bearded legs, bare my Caillou tat, and steal your, “What are you gonna do? Fuckin’ fine me?”
That should do the trick. No more Girl Scout duty for me.
BTW, did I ever tell you that you’re my hero, the wind beneath my wings??
Seriously.
Loved. This. Post!!!!!
Just the thought of the beard on your legs is enough to put me in my place. You’re gonna do great in the game, girl, I wanna be your Jerry Maguire.
Your tattoo placement is off the charts awesome ; )
Do those EasyTones work?? Obviously they work all fuckin’ day and night for you, but what about for me?
I’ve watching the Big Bravo TV in the Sky right now…
Brilliant, woman.
Caillou is a pussy.
I have Handy Manny on my ass.
I’m sitting in the stands eating popcorn.
Love it!