Is the day I shop at J. Jill
and Talbots and wear pantyhose
to my weekly bridge club, when I’m not
volunteering in the history room of the library,
jealously guarding archival photographs and terrorizing children -
CALL ME DOCENT OR DIE!
It’s the day the mustache on my upper lip becomes a problem
and I tell the hairdresser, “Just set it, honey,” returning home
to my ceramic rabbit figurine collection for a rousing
episode of Jeopardy! and a tidbit
of peaches with cottage cheese
and then conferring on the phone
with Margie about the
brazen instructors of
aquatic zoomba at the
Community Center Pool.
The day I shop at Chico’s is the day
I am attacked by the Flowing Animal Ruana -
down, boy, down! - and forcibly finagled into
the platinum denim zebra crop jeans and put into
a head lock by the zenergy dot deanna jacket – HELP!
I’M COVERED IN ZENERGY! But until that day, Chico’s,
you put a leash on your pastel geometric poncho
and I’ll steer clear of pantyhose.
Hilarious! Chicos scares me. I’m afraid I’ll walk out of there an old lady.
Hilarious! I love this!
bwahahaha!
You are so absolutely brilliant! I love your posts : ) You always make me smile. I remember in college I babysat for a lady that shopped at Chico’s. I thought she was the ultimate in sophistication.
Oh, thank GOD I’m not the only one who’s a little scared of Chico’s! I thought the was something (else) wrong with me!
Lovely sonnet, BTW…
Please make the next one about wistful memories of “Forever 21″ and “Claire’s” (and admit to us once and for all if you are a “Hot Topics” kind of girl)
Bingo! Tarja, Chico’s scares the hell out of me. And my mom? Loves the place.
So when I go to Chico’s in the mall looking for a gift for my mom, they swarm me, those Chico’s Robots. They want me to join them, I’m at that ripe age.
Stay strong, my friend. I am.
Ugh, my husband’s grandmother used to go on and on about Chico’s! As if I would ever shop there. Hello?! She just loved the leisure suits that were so great for traveling-no need for an iron! Now my mother-in-law is starting to wear them. Does that mean I’m next? It’s like that kids toy where the little penguins creep up the stairs and then slide down the slide. Grandma is at the bottom, mother-in-law is on her way down, and I’m climbing the stairs. OH NO!
You just described a day in my life.
I’ve never been near a Chico’s which after reading this sounds like a good thing.
Confession…I watch Jeopardy.
Chico’s scares me, too.
What scares me even more, is that the merchandiser at the Chico’s in my mall has installed some sort of brainswashing device. Seriously. It’s right across from the Starbucks.. I’m in there almost daily. And I’ve noticed that over the past few months, Chico’s has been growing on me.
Help!!! I just turned 34 last month! I’m single! Childless! I need an intervention al pronto!!
CAN ANYONE HELP ME?!!!!
So…you’re saying it is, in fact, NOT a Chicos kind of day?
This was too funny, girl.
The day I shop at Chico’s is the day that I have my coffee in my Craftmatic adjustable bed, wear my red hat, and fall and can not get up without my Life Alert necklace.
The day I shop at Chico’s is the day I give up.
Loved the post!
OMG…
….this was FUNNY.
I hope I never accidentally have the opportunity to have my moustache hairs set…
Oh, I really loved this. It spoke to my heart.
My girlfriends tell me that they shop for jewelry @ Chico’s. But we know better, now, don’t we?
I won’t cave if you won’t.
Those commercials are cult-like. And the ladies all look far too happy for their circumstances.
Perhaps no one has told them about their moustache hair?
Either that or they’re high on L’air du Temps.
No other explanation, really.
I will. not. be. recruited.
Don’t know chico’s from pancho’s but would you mind? Some cottage cheese in a bowl? Yeah, that’s right. Safeway fat-free. Canned S and W if you got ‘em, otherwise whatever. Good. Now, and don’t say anything smartass, pour some of that peach juice in the bowl and gimme another big spoonful of cottage cheese. Perfect. And fried Spam!! Wow. It’s a feast!
This begs for a follow up post: “Attack of the Twelve-Foot Twin-Set.”
I can just picture the carnage.
Hilarious! And? It made me miss my grandma.
Oh we tease about Chicco and Talbots all the time with a little Coldwater Creek tossed in for good measure.
That is the best Chico’s post I’ve ever read. Well, the only Chico’s post I’ve ever read. But it’s still the best.
I went into a Chico’s with my grandma once (who was about 82 at the time) and then we promptly left after she loudly declared, “these clothes are for old people”.
Should I be concerned that I have always secretly wanted to learn how to play Bridge?
We don’t have Chico’s here so I had to click the link to see what the fuss was all about.
Made me want to pierce the screen with my 10inch heel!
So true, so true. The only person I know who shops at Chicos and Talbots is my grandmother.
This is poetry. Gorgeous, and I mean it!
The thought of Chico’s cuts you to the core, Chalupa. Have you been given gifts of clothing from there? A gift card perhaps?
I was satisfied just with the title! This was so, so funny. Seriously? I want to be a docent when I grow up. There are old houses downtown that I want to give tours of in my latest Chico’s outfit someday.
I shop there for my mother in law. Her and her cronies actually plan bus trips to the Chico’s outlet. It’s all “I have this coupon!” and “Do you have the travelers pants yet? They’re a MUST!”
When I go in there for her birthday I have to choke back the heaves.
so what you’re saying is…you’re not a fan?
Awesome!!
The day I shop at Chico’s is the day I’ve given up all hope, started listening to Yanni, and had an in-home lobotomy via a sharpened toothbrush from an angry 3 yr old.
But it’s a Chico’s kind of day!
Do you prefer reinforced toe or sandalfoot?
This post is awesome because it is so true. The day I realized I needed some intervention was when I looked at Chico catalogue in my mail and thought ok maybe that will look on me. Yikes! I am not a real estate agent with big hair! LOL
I can remember my mom saying “if you ever find me wearing a muumuu, have me committed.” I believe I can say the same of Chico’s and Talbots.
But the scarf I’m sporting this morning is a cry for help. I am dangerously close to needing an intervention!
Love me some Tarja! Thanks Empress for directing me to ANOTHER genius post that I’ve obviously missed!