Kegels For Dummies

It’s time you did something about your muscle tone.

No, not your triceps – although those could use some work too.

I’m talking about your pubococcygeus muscles because people are starting to talk.  And by people, I mean your OB.  And maybe your husband.

I mean, when was the last time you did the Contract & Relax Two-Step on the Pelvic Dance Floor?

That’s what I thought.

Your muscles are atrophying and you don’t even care.  You bought your Reebok Easy Tones and now it’s time to focus on the Kegel Tones.

And no, that’s not an a-capella group.  Even if your pelvic pitch pipe does need major re-tuning.

Because it was the dream of Dr. Arnold Kegel that one day all women would have steel-lined uterine walls.  That they wouldn’t piss on themselves when they laughed.  That their vaginas wouldn’t prolapse like the great landslide of Walter Matthau’s jowls.  And that everyone would be sexually gratified.

Now, it’s possible that Dr. Kegel was concerned mainly with his own gratification, but I think we can all appreciate the benefits of his single-minded focus on our Georgia O’Keeffe.

And I know you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do kegels or where to begin or how to stop eating Oreos,” but you do it in the same way that Kirstie Alley learned how to ballroom dance.

With an Oreo in one hand and a 16-piece orchestra.

First, start with an easy Grapevine dance move.  Side step, cross, side step, cross.  Now suck a lemon.  Pucker-face equals kegels!  From there you transition into the Electric Slide and go straight into the Moonwalk.

At this point, you need to suck in your gut, release, suck in your gut, release.

Now quick, do a fan kick into the side splits.  Yeah!  You feel that?  That’s your kegels working.  Get on your back – it’s time for the pelvic lift dry hump.  And thrust!  And thrust!  And thrust!

Turn on your stomach, grind your teeth and do the Worm.  Lockjaw equals kegels!

And then you’re up, and end with the Hammer Shuffle.  Jump and jump and shuffle shuffle shuffle!

STOP!  KEGEL TIME.

You totally just did kegels.  Didn’t that feel awesome?  The beauty is that they can be done discreetly ANYWHERE.  While you’re waiting in line at the grocery store.  At the library.  On an airplane.

And everybody does them.

Fergie does kegels while she ties cherry stems in her mouth.

Madonna does them while horseback riding, although two horses have been killed this way.

Joan Rivers does kegels just by trying to move her facial muscles.  Now I’m not saying plastic surgery is going to solve your problem, but it helps.

If you do nothing else, though, hold your breath as long as possible.  David Blaine credits the disappearance of his prostate pain to magic, but I think he means the magic of kegels.

You’re probably thinking that you can’t possibly do this on your own – that you need the Biggest Loser-Pelvic Floor Edition to get to your goal – but that’s where the vaginal weights and rubber resistance balls come in.

Because who does your hoo-hah think it is?

The Tommy Bahama of your Southern Hemisphere?

You need to tell the president of Club Med Punta Cana that the time for genital relaxation is NEVER.

Now cue the music and get your jazz shoes on.

 

29 Responses to Kegels For Dummies
  1. Sherri
    July 24, 2011 | 4:20 pm

    I think I just hurt myself. Or scared the dog.

    I’m ashamed that you KNOW I haven’t been doing them. And mildy creeped out about what Madonna did to those horses.

    I think this post belongs on WebMD. People need to know this stuff.

  2. Annie @ astonesthrow
    July 24, 2011 | 5:08 pm

    “Joan Rivers does kegels just by trying to move her facial muscles.”

    I.am.dying!

    And as far as the institution of kegels around here? I’ll get right to it when my man decides to do a little manscaping and possibly waxing. Then. Then we can talk kegel.

    It is only fair.

  3. Jessica
    July 24, 2011 | 11:41 pm

    It sounds like I would have to put down my martini to do these so called kegels. I don’t really like that idea.

  4. Tracie
    July 25, 2011 | 12:04 am

    What if I just eat extra Oreos? Will that take the place of the hard work of Keegles?

  5. From Belgium
    July 25, 2011 | 4:40 am

    No wonder American foreign exchange students where so popular when I was in college, they had the secret weapon of Kegels! No fair!

  6. Alexandra
    July 25, 2011 | 6:35 am

    Oh
    Em
    Gee

    Chalupa.

    Chalupa.

    This?

    Must be one of my top 3 that you’ve ever done.

    And it’s not b/c of relatability..which is a proven necessity in humor.

    Love you, girl.

  7. kim sisto robinson
    July 25, 2011 | 7:22 am

    —Thanks for the reminder.
    I am doing them as I read this.
    Fab Post! PS. will more sex help? xx

  8. Annabelle
    July 25, 2011 | 7:24 am

    “stop kegel time” made coffee come out of my nose!!!

    i adore you so very very much you terrifically funny lady.

  9. KLZ
    July 25, 2011 | 7:36 am

    Two horses have totally been killed that way. I saw it on TMZ.

  10. annie
    July 25, 2011 | 7:37 am

    OMG! I think I love you. And so do my pelvic pitch pipes – can you hear them hum?

  11. Amanda
    July 25, 2011 | 9:39 am

    Why is it when I see the word Kegel, I automatically start doing kegels?

  12. liz
    July 25, 2011 | 12:12 pm

    Seriously, wait until Baby #2 comes. I pee my pants just from sneezing.

    The whole nether regions are ruined further with each subsequent child.

  13. Thoughts Appear
    July 25, 2011 | 12:14 pm

    I think I just died when I read “Stop! Kegel time!” So funny!

    I can do anything when an Oreo is involved.

  14. julie gardner
    July 25, 2011 | 4:31 pm

    For our fifteen-year wedding anniversary (coming up in August) my husband and I are seriously considering getting tattoos.

    (now that we’re no longer afraid we’ll look like we’re trying too hard to be young. that ship has sailed.)

    Something subtle. Classic. Mildly romantic to seal our love.

    I think we should go with

    THE TIME FOR GENITAL RELAXATION IS NEVER

    Maybe in an scrolling infinity symbol?

    So now, the only question is where…

  15. dusty earth mother
    July 25, 2011 | 6:33 pm

    My V is gripping just reading this. I think it must be laughing.

  16. poppycock
    July 25, 2011 | 9:41 pm

    Who is Kegel?

  17. Stasha
    July 25, 2011 | 10:51 pm

    I am against any kind of exercise. Even this one. Is Kegels what senior citizens are doing during the pool aerobics? I knew they were prepping themselves fro some big event. What dedication.

  18. I'm So Fancy
    July 26, 2011 | 12:08 am

    hilarious. And here I thought Madonna was an animal lover…or maybe that is the problem.

  19. ChiMomWriter
    July 26, 2011 | 12:25 pm

    Can you do a follow-up post that explains the various “floors” in the Kegels? Maybe with advanced dance moves? I took a post-natal class where she kept trying to get us to pull up through floors 1-8, and I gotta tell ya, I got confused after the basement.

    Now excuse me while I go change my shorts. I peed while laughing at this.

  20. Ann
    July 26, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    STOP! KEGEL TIME.

    And poor Madonna’s horses, swallowed up in one big kegel. Gone. Vanish-ed.

  21. Bridget
    July 26, 2011 | 10:05 pm

    Madonna kills horses with her kegels! Awesome!!

  22. chickensconsigliere
    July 27, 2011 | 10:27 am

    Ah. See, I was doing the macarena all this time. I wondered why I couldn’t improve my unanticipated urinal outflow score. Makes sense. Also, I don’t want to scare anyone, but pretty sure Amy Winehouse didn’t do kegels. Just sayin’.

  23. Brenda
    July 27, 2011 | 9:01 pm

    Totally creeped out by the Madonna thing; which I am sure falls under animal cruelty. However, sure I have wet myself having recently read this to a friend who was laughing so hard she was foaming at the mouth.

  24. Kid Id
    July 31, 2011 | 6:36 pm

    I’m doing it..right… Now. and Now. and Now. and Now. and…. ….. …… Now. I think I strained something. Is that normal?

  25. Mad Woman behind the Blog
    August 2, 2011 | 1:15 pm

    DYING!
    OMG to note what I loved about this post would require copying the whole frickin hilarious thing into this little box.

    Heh, I said box.

    Also, so glad someone else calls it hoo hah.

  26. deborah l quinn
    August 4, 2011 | 3:16 am

    Given the state of my kegel muscles (yes, my lady-parts doctor had to use a bigger speculum b/c of the saggy middle-aged vag walls: YES IT HAPPENS), you shouldn’t make me laugh so freaking hard.
    Madonna’s poor horses…but also maybe now we know why Guy Ritchie split: his wangwang was sore.

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