It’s time you did something about your muscle tone.
No, not your triceps – although those could use some work too.
I’m talking about your pubococcygeus muscles because people are starting to talk. And by people, I mean your OB. And maybe your husband.
I mean, when was the last time you did the Contract & Relax Two-Step on the Pelvic Dance Floor?
That’s what I thought.
Your muscles are atrophying and you don’t even care. You bought your Reebok Easy Tones and now it’s time to focus on the Kegel Tones.
And no, that’s not an a-capella group. Even if your pelvic pitch pipe does need major re-tuning.
Because it was the dream of Dr. Arnold Kegel that one day all women would have steel-lined uterine walls. That they wouldn’t piss on themselves when they laughed. That their vaginas wouldn’t prolapse like the great landslide of Walter Matthau’s jowls. And that everyone would be sexually gratified.
Now, it’s possible that Dr. Kegel was concerned mainly with his own gratification, but I think we can all appreciate the benefits of his single-minded focus on our Georgia O’Keeffe.
And I know you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do kegels or where to begin or how to stop eating Oreos,” but you do it in the same way that Kirstie Alley learned how to ballroom dance.
With an Oreo in one hand and a 16-piece orchestra.
First, start with an easy Grapevine dance move. Side step, cross, side step, cross. Now suck a lemon. Pucker-face equals kegels! From there you transition into the Electric Slide and go straight into the Moonwalk.
At this point, you need to suck in your gut, release, suck in your gut, release.
Now quick, do a fan kick into the side splits. Yeah! You feel that? That’s your kegels working. Get on your back – it’s time for the pelvic lift dry hump. And thrust! And thrust! And thrust!
Turn on your stomach, grind your teeth and do the Worm. Lockjaw equals kegels!
And then you’re up, and end with the Hammer Shuffle. Jump and jump and shuffle shuffle shuffle!
STOP! KEGEL TIME.
You totally just did kegels. Didn’t that feel awesome? The beauty is that they can be done discreetly ANYWHERE. While you’re waiting in line at the grocery store. At the library. On an airplane.
And everybody does them.
Fergie does kegels while she ties cherry stems in her mouth.
Madonna does them while horseback riding, although two horses have been killed this way.
Joan Rivers does kegels just by trying to move her facial muscles. Now I’m not saying plastic surgery is going to solve your problem, but it helps.
If you do nothing else, though, hold your breath as long as possible. David Blaine credits the disappearance of his prostate pain to magic, but I think he means the magic of kegels.
You’re probably thinking that you can’t possibly do this on your own – that you need the Biggest Loser-Pelvic Floor Edition to get to your goal – but that’s where the vaginal weights and rubber resistance balls come in.
Because who does your hoo-hah think it is?
The Tommy Bahama of your Southern Hemisphere?
You need to tell the president of Club Med Punta Cana that the time for genital relaxation is NEVER.
Now cue the music and get your jazz shoes on.