It’s Called Motherf*cking Nesting, Bitch

Unpacking onesies two-by-two –

Expanding from 1 to 2-Live-Crew

Where those booties at?  Where those booties at?

Getcho ass off the couch and find the co-sleeper, yo!

Back is best!  (Baby got) Back is best, bro.

(That’s what she said.  The pediatrician, fo sho.)

So outta my way I got the organizing itch, outta my way



Yeah, Swaddlemaster Flash is here today

With Double-A, Triple-A batt-er-ays, yo truck, yo train,

Yo power tools – where you at?  Where you at?

Where you at, damn fools?  I’m filing, filing taxes, receipts,

I’m The Labelmaker yo, don’t accept no defeat.

Where you goin’ wid dat bill?  Dat bank statement?

Hey you, touch that shredder getcho face in da pavement!

So outta my way I got the organizing itch, outta my way



I’m the Sorter, the Alphabetizer, the Systematizer –

That spice rack be perpetratin’?  Yo, mango chutney,

I’ll kick your buttney, a right-hook blow to oregano –

You still sittin’ on the couch?  Install the Peg Perego!

(LATCH – it’s floetic!  CHP approved, It’s floetic!)

While I be foldin’ ‘n foldin’ this origami mobile

Tokyo skyline over crib yeah baby be global.

So outta my way I got the organizing itch, outta my way



Wash the layette – ALL FREE & CLEAR!

Building castles outta bottles – milk not beer!

Dr. Brown’s, Bornfree, Playtex, Medela,

Antibodies, proteins, brain growth STELLA!

Thermometers, burp cloths, let’s re-grout tile!

Get on yo knees, fool, do it for the child.

Shit, it’s September?  Wipe off that grime,

Plaster that smile, it’s holiday photo time!

So outta my way I got the organizing itch, outta my way


34 Responses to It’s Called Motherf*cking Nesting, Bitch
  1. Kelley
    September 8, 2011 | 2:25 pm

    Hahahaha!!! You legit, shiiiiiiiii… You be knowin’ how to rap, girlfriend!! Love it! Speaking of rapping, I tweeted a little with Sir Mix-A-Lot today. Hahaha!!

  2. mosa
    September 8, 2011 | 3:03 pm

    Fa shizzle! Dat’s the bomb, yo! Word to YOU, Mutha!

  3. Alexandra
    September 8, 2011 | 10:36 pm


    I think McSweeney’s is ready now.

    That was WONDERFUL.

  4. Tinne from T and T
    September 9, 2011 | 4:23 am

    Although I’m not particularly into rap music I can totally dig this! Word!

  5. Becky (Princess Mikkimoto)
    September 9, 2011 | 7:50 am

    You really ARE white aren’tcha?

  6. Ann
    September 9, 2011 | 7:54 am


  7. Keija
    September 9, 2011 | 7:59 am

    “While I be foldin’ ‘n foldin’ this origami mobile –

    Tokyo skyline over crib yeah baby be global.”

    Still laughing. You hilarious, sis!

  8. dusty earth mother
    September 9, 2011 | 8:00 am

    OH.M.GAH. You are so hilarious. The mango chutney-buttney rhyme was my personal fave. When can I nominate this one for Voice of the Year??

    • Yuliya
      September 9, 2011 | 9:13 am

      oh God to hear Mother of the Chalupa rap this in front of thousands! I might have to fly to New York just for that.

  9. Lori Dyan
    September 9, 2011 | 9:14 am

    You are the coolest sh*t EVAH!

  10. amanda austin
    September 9, 2011 | 9:25 am

    Just another reason I get giddy when your posts get to my inbox. Love every second of this!!!

  11. Cheryl
    September 9, 2011 | 10:02 am

    True dat.


  12. Poppy
    September 9, 2011 | 10:32 am

    Listen Milli Vanilli, this is begging to be performed. No lip syncing.

    I love this so much.

  13. Sherri
    September 9, 2011 | 10:36 am

    Where were you when I was having baby #2? I rocked the nesting the first time around…fell flat on my face with failure the second time.

    And now, I am un-nesting! Throw it out! Give it away!

    You crack me up…as always.

  14. The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful
    September 9, 2011 | 11:45 am

    Yo Chalupa — word out on the street, yo, Geto Boys say you stole their rap. Watch your back, sistah. You don’t want them comin’ to get jiggy wid yo ass!

  15. Lola
    September 9, 2011 | 11:54 am

    That’s just fuckin genius, Yo!

  16. Wendi
    September 9, 2011 | 4:19 pm

    You’re a hip hop star in Finland, aren’t you? Just admit it.

    Funny stuff, yo.

  17. Suniverse
    September 9, 2011 | 5:46 pm

    That is some badass motherfucking nesting, yo.


  18. poppycock
    September 9, 2011 | 6:04 pm

    this is the funniest funniest little story you have written. you nailed it cold.

  19. deborah l quinn
    September 10, 2011 | 11:45 am

    You a motherfucking genius is what.

  20. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
    September 10, 2011 | 1:13 pm

    You are killing me. Freaking hilarious.

  21. Jenni Chiu
    September 10, 2011 | 10:48 pm

    Motherf*cking brilliant.
    I’m in love with you.

  22. Jill
    September 11, 2011 | 1:08 pm


  23. julie gardner
    September 12, 2011 | 7:38 am

    I think I went to high school with Swaddlemaster Flash…

    He’s got that diamond grill after too much sucking on the pacifier, right?

    Yeah. Tell him I say Hey.

  24. liz
    September 12, 2011 | 9:47 am

    You are the coolest, mot hip mom EVA.

    For Realz, Yo.

  25. Kimberly
    September 13, 2011 | 6:49 am

    I want to live in your head one day…can we make that happen rap master?

  26. Lady Jennie
    September 13, 2011 | 1:18 pm

    So apparently you look all pink and glittery in real life? (huge grin).

    WHAT a combination!

  27. imperfectmomma
    September 15, 2011 | 7:36 am

    LOL. Seriously…how do you come up with this crap? You are freaking awesome!

  28. MommaKiss
    September 16, 2011 | 12:50 pm

    Sweet jesus, will you come kick my buttney?
    Could use some cleaning up in here.

  29. humanmama
    September 17, 2011 | 3:59 pm

    OHmygoodness, now I have to learn that song. If you put it on a cassette tape, I could rewind it and listen again and again, just like I did in middle school to “Gin and Juice.” (high school? Hmm). Thanks, …wow. Thanks.

  30. Paula @ thewilyweez
    September 23, 2011 | 11:55 am

    hahaha I love this!

  31. JAS
    October 24, 2011 | 7:31 pm

    MOTHERFUCKING NESTING, BITCH!…I love it…I was there all last week!

  32. Broot
    November 10, 2011 | 12:06 am


  33. Melissa
    November 10, 2011 | 6:43 am

    LOL! Nothing like nesting with “swagga”!

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