Dear Peter,
First, might I commend you on your shiny motorcycle?
And no, you don’t look at all like that guy who played the policeman on “The Hangover.” Only remotely. By about 93%. When you carry a taser.
Now. I think we can agree that “rear-ended” is perhaps too strong a description of what occurred and should only be used in adult films, n’est pas?
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be flippant. I only speak french when close to urinating on myself.
Again, I would like to state that I was going 10 mph. This has been corroborated by the calculation:
[The song "Pumped Up Kicks" x one million 'why' questions from the 3-yr-old] / conversation with my sister + three hours of sleep the night before x water bottle that would not fit in cup holder.
I was NOT drinking but did rectify that situation at home and would like to invite you over for cosmos to apologize for the taser comment.
I was NOT on the phone but thanks for your number. Did I tell you how big and shiny your motorcycle was?
I was NOT texting but I’m pretty sure the Big Guy In The Sky sent me one. I don’t know how else you could explain the cloud in the shape of a middle finger.
Please commend the crew of Fire Engine #7 for their biceps. Their rippling muscles were a joy to behold as they carried the hysterical lady away in a stretcher. Although this did make it slightly difficult for me to explain to the 3-yr-old that NOBODY WAS HURT.
And thank you, Officer, for eying me only somewhat suspiciously when the 3-yr old declared that “oh, wait, I’m hurt YES I’M HURT MOMMY CAN I RIDE WITH THE PARAMEDICS RIGHT NOW?”
I do apologize for stopping traffic on the only road in town during the holiday lunch hour rush, but I must admit it was a wonderful opportunity to catch up with friends and acquaintances as they slowly passed by, curious about the dipshit who made them late for the Crocs ‘N Quinoa Holiday Sale:
“Yes, friends, it is I! Another mom in an SUV! Happy holidays and God bless! Move along there, Yukon Cornelius. Whatchu lookin’ at, C. Everett Koop’s-bearded-older-sister?”
But Pete – may I call you Pete? – what do you know about the litigious-inclined? Have the majority attended the Barbara Streisand School Of Histrionics? Are burly rescuers swayed by running mascara? Because it’s too bad that my mascara-wearing days are on hiatus and that I wasted all my tears on Sarah Mclachlan’s ASPCA commercial the previous night. Although I was almost able to secrete some moisture out of the corner of one eye when I learned that the cocker spaniel in the passenger seat escaped unscathed.
I don’t think I’m going to get sued by the cocker, but honestly Pierre – may I call you Pierre? – what are the chances that Streisand is gonna lawyer-up? I know you’ll be straight with me. You’re a single dad, after all. One who has a girlfriend with short arms. I appreciated that story. I’m sorry I dozed off.
In conclusion, thank you for making Wednesday such a successful Take-Your-Children-To-The-Scene-Of-An-Accident Day.
You wear knee-high black boots with aplomb.
May 2012 be filled with enough speeding tickets to give you the highest quota in the squad.
Love,
Your law-abiding rear-ender
1. I’m extremely glad NOBODY WAS HURT, even if the Chalupa isn’t.
2. That guy did sound more like a Peter than a Pierre. But perhaps that’s because I don’t currently have to urinate.
3. Now I do, in fact, have to urinate. Yes it does happen that quickly for me.
4. Poor C. Everett Coop’s older sister.
(I love you. You are hysterical. Even under duress. Or maybe because of duress. Sorry about that.)
I read this and I just wish I had been there, in the back seat shouting,
It’s the Chalupa!!!
OMG! that was hysterical! Is it a coincidence that peter and prick can be interchangeable?
I love that the 3 year old wanted to go with the paramedics. That? Is classic.
I love it. WELCOME BACK HIT-AND-RUN!
Can I call you that?
*ouch*
So glad you’re okay.
Pretty sure you get more points for complimenting guns than motorcycles.
So funny.
Air bags! Did Ms. Striesamd’s air bag deploy? I think there’s a law that limits extrodinairy litigation based on whether or not Barbara face planted in her airbags. I mean, I hope there is. I’m sure your fine. There’s probably no reason to worry.
Aw hell glad you’re okay!
Yukon Cornelius? A name for the ages. And you gotta send us a follow-up episode in case Barbra Junior decides to take her stiff neck to court.
Oh, this just sounds like a horrible start to the year . . . but thanks for an entertaining post.
Having been there, done that — I can assure you she won’t need to lawyer up. All she will need to do is file a bodily injury claim against your insurance. And your insurance will not lawyer up either. They will just pay it. And then send you a letter weeks, no let’s say a few months later just politely informing you that they have done so. Ridiculous, you betcha!
—-How lovely that I can live vicareously thru your little mishaps & adventures.
Your writing is brilliant. I must admit, I’m a bit envious of this.
–damn you.
Glad your’e still kickin’ ass. X
Take Your Childre To The Scene Of An Accident Day … Oh my goodness! I’m sure you heard me laughing in whatever state you live in. This was a great way to start my Friday morning. I came over from KLZ. Trust me, I’ll be back just like she said I would. Happy Weekend to you!
Your math skills astound me.
Glad you’re o.k., and if you’re feeling litigious we could probably come up with something to lay at Streisand’s bumper.
Best baby name of 2012? Yukon Cornelius.
Sorry about your fender (probably didn’t) bend hers, and the drama queen. I hope the rest of your 2012 is less accident prone!
But on the plus side, he wasn’t wearing a Texas Sherriff’s hat.
Yo Chaloop — Don’t mess with the Fuzz, man, they don’t get irony.
I don’t know what I like better: when you called him Pete or Pierre.
I was once ACTUALLY injured in an accident and I didn’t get carried around on a stretcher. I feel cheated. I DID get to ride with the paramedics though. But no sirens or lights or anything. I hope the hysterical lady didn’t get lights or sirens. She clearly didn’t deserve them.
Oh. My. Gawd. This was equal parts mortifying and hilarious to read. I’m glad you’re okay (well, I mean, your sense of ha ha is obviously/thankfully intact, so there’s that). Next time throw your panties at the cop. But maybe wait until a few more post-having-a-baby months have passed…
Yukon Cornelius! Now why didn’t Beyonce name her baby that!
Crocs N’ Quinoa Holiday Sale!!! Classic!
Glad you’re both ok!!! Even if the Chalupa isn’t so sure.
That Sarah Mclachlan’s ASPCA commercial gets me every time. My husband has to tackle me from getting out our check book and just sending them a blank check with a note saying “Please take whatever you want. Go ahead empty out our savings and checking just, for the love of all things furry, stop playing that and making me sob like a banshee in heat.”