Advice To A Young Comedian Performing Stand-Up At the United Nations

1.  Make sure you perform after the General Assembly has their two-drink minimum, but before they reach drink six.  Hugo Chavez will start heckling you.

2.  Always open with an Angelina Jolie joke.  Her kids call her the High Commissioner For Refugees.  Flood victims cling to her lips for safety.  Something about her boobs.  Boob jokes always kill.
3.  Pay translators in advance not to cut your rap about the Greek economy.

4.  DO NOT make an Israel joke.  Mayim Bialik will unfriend you on Facebook.  Also?  Behind Sarkozy’s left shoulder?  That’s a sniper.

5.  DO NOT wave at the cameras and say “This goes out to all you muthas, bruthas, and sister-wives around the world!”

6.  DO NOT question Tuvalu about their voting record.  Or why they’ve turned the Irish lullaby into their national anthem, “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Tu-Valu.”

7.  DO question Vanuatu about their voting record.  Tricky island-nation bastards.

8.  DO make a Gadaffi joke.  ‘Muammar’ falls to bottom of Adorable Baby Names List behind ‘Paisley!’  Baby jokes always kill.

9.  DO speak slowly.  Remember poor Frank at The Laugh Factory?  “Liechtenstein” is tricky, but the natives will not appreciate when you mangle their name and then suggest they go to Dietrich’s of Hollywood for something more financially transparent.  Seeing as how their assets are hiding underneath that tax haven.  Tax haven jokes always kill.

10.  DO wait for the laughs.  Remember poor Jules from the Ladies-Drink-Free-Night at Gut Busters in Burbank?  Throw ’em the punch line – “And the socks were made in BHUTAN!” – and then cue the laugh track.

11.  Always close with Ahmadinejad.  Use the words “Steve Carrell” and “swarthy” and “doppelganger.”  Maybe “Holocaust” if you’re feeling lucky.  It’s why people pay the absurd international peace-&-security cover charge.  A-jad jokes kill.

12.  Lastly, nail down the two-thirds majority vote in your favor.  Remember Big Al, a week after he did the Equatorial Guinea sketch?  Consensus, kid, reach for consensus.

13.  You want to ‘kill.’  You do not want to ‘bomb.’  You do not want to be “killed” with a “car bomb.”

20 thoughts on “Advice To A Young Comedian Performing Stand-Up At the United Nations

  1. How long do you wait for laughs? I mean, when I give my “a Rabbi, a Cardinal, and Gadaffi climbing Mt Everest” joke, is it appropriate to give the translators the full 42 minutes & 31 seconds that it takes me to tell it to translate it, or should I give things just a few minutes before having the snipers take out said translators for flubbing the punchline?

  2. Hugo is the most fun to sit next to at these things. Seriously, he’s always got something snappy to say.

    Fidel was also awesome – Raul? Not so much. I mean, sure, he’s a Castro, but he’s like Castro Lite.

  3. Angelina’s lips. No kidding. I was wondering. They really do look like flood victims have been clinging to them. That must hurt like the dickins.

  4. we could maybe make some headway if Steve Carrell were doing the translating! and if someone spiked the fruit juice smoothies!

  5. In case you were wondering about my massive amount of comments…this is the night where I catch up on the last 2 months of posts on your blog because my work blocked your site as “porn.” Seriously. What…did…you…do?

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