1. Make sure you perform after the General Assembly has their two-drink minimum, but before they reach drink six. Hugo Chavez will start heckling you.
4. DO NOT make an Israel joke. Mayim Bialik will unfriend you on Facebook. Also? Behind Sarkozy’s left shoulder? That’s a sniper.
5. DO NOT wave at the cameras and say “This goes out to all you muthas, bruthas, and sister-wives around the world!”
6. DO NOT question Tuvalu about their voting record. Or why they’ve turned the Irish lullaby into their national anthem, “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Tu-Valu.”
7. DO question Vanuatu about their voting record. Tricky island-nation bastards.
8. DO make a Gadaffi joke. ‘Muammar’ falls to bottom of Adorable Baby Names List behind ‘Paisley!’ Baby jokes always kill.
9. DO speak slowly. Remember poor Frank at The Laugh Factory? “Liechtenstein” is tricky, but the natives will not appreciate when you mangle their name and then suggest they go to Dietrich’s of Hollywood for something more financially transparent. Seeing as how their assets are hiding underneath that tax haven. Tax haven jokes always kill.
10. DO wait for the laughs. Remember poor Jules from the Ladies-Drink-Free-Night at Gut Busters in Burbank? Throw ’em the punch line – “And the socks were made in BHUTAN!” – and then cue the laugh track.
11. Always close with Ahmadinejad. Use the words “Steve Carrell” and “swarthy” and “doppelganger.” Maybe “Holocaust” if you’re feeling lucky. It’s why people pay the absurd international peace-&-security cover charge. A-jad jokes kill.
12. Lastly, nail down the two-thirds majority vote in your favor. Remember Big Al, a week after he did the Equatorial Guinea sketch? Consensus, kid, reach for consensus.
13. You want to ‘kill.’ You do not want to ‘bomb.’ You do not want to be “killed” with a “car bomb.”