Advice To A Young Comedian Performing Stand-Up At the United Nations

1.  Make sure you perform after the General Assembly has their two-drink minimum, but before they reach drink six.  Hugo Chavez will start heckling you.

2.  Always open with an Angelina Jolie joke.  Her kids call her the High Commissioner For Refugees.  Flood victims cling to her lips for safety.  Something about her boobs.  Boob jokes always kill.
3.  Pay translators in advance not to cut your rap about the Greek economy.

4.  DO NOT make an Israel joke.  Mayim Bialik will unfriend you on Facebook.  Also?  Behind Sarkozy’s left shoulder?  That’s a sniper.

5.  DO NOT wave at the cameras and say “This goes out to all you muthas, bruthas, and sister-wives around the world!”

6.  DO NOT question Tuvalu about their voting record.  Or why they’ve turned the Irish lullaby into their national anthem, “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Tu-Valu.”

7.  DO question Vanuatu about their voting record.  Tricky island-nation bastards.

8.  DO make a Gadaffi joke.  ‘Muammar’ falls to bottom of Adorable Baby Names List behind ‘Paisley!’  Baby jokes always kill.

9.  DO speak slowly.  Remember poor Frank at The Laugh Factory?  “Liechtenstein” is tricky, but the natives will not appreciate when you mangle their name and then suggest they go to Dietrich’s of Hollywood for something more financially transparent.  Seeing as how their assets are hiding underneath that tax haven.  Tax haven jokes always kill.

10.  DO wait for the laughs.  Remember poor Jules from the Ladies-Drink-Free-Night at Gut Busters in Burbank?  Throw ‘em the punch line – “And the socks were made in BHUTAN!” – and then cue the laugh track.

11.  Always close with Ahmadinejad.  Use the words “Steve Carrell” and “swarthy” and “doppelganger.”  Maybe “Holocaust” if you’re feeling lucky.  It’s why people pay the absurd international peace-&-security cover charge.  A-jad jokes kill.

12.  Lastly, nail down the two-thirds majority vote in your favor.  Remember Big Al, a week after he did the Equatorial Guinea sketch?  Consensus, kid, reach for consensus.

13.  You want to ‘kill.’  You do not want to ‘bomb.’  You do not want to be “killed” with a “car bomb.”

20 Responses to Advice To A Young Comedian Performing Stand-Up At the United Nations
  1. Yuliya
    January 10, 2012 | 3:37 pm

    Has Mensa recruited you yet? I bet you could write one hell of a brochure for them.
    A-jad…you slay me.

  2. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
    January 11, 2012 | 7:36 am

    I loved this one from the second I previewed it.

    You know who lost out.

  3. Nancy Davis Kho
    January 11, 2012 | 8:24 am

    Re #8 surely there is room for “but both still better than Adolf!”

  4. Eva Gallant
    January 11, 2012 | 8:53 am

    Very clever!

  5. Klz
    January 11, 2012 | 9:09 am

    Car bomb always makes me think of casino. If ace can dodge one, so can I.

  6. Pamela
    January 11, 2012 | 9:11 am

    OMG, this was HIGH-LARRY-US.

  7. John
    January 11, 2012 | 10:54 am

    How long do you wait for laughs? I mean, when I give my “a Rabbi, a Cardinal, and Gadaffi climbing Mt Everest” joke, is it appropriate to give the translators the full 42 minutes & 31 seconds that it takes me to tell it to translate it, or should I give things just a few minutes before having the snipers take out said translators for flubbing the punchline?

  8. julie gardner
    January 11, 2012 | 11:16 am

    So.

    “Angelina Jolie’s boobs walk into a tax haven” is a win, then?

    Good to know.

    Also, Mayim Bialik keeps poking me.
    Make it stop.

  9. My Inner Chick
    January 11, 2012 | 3:07 pm

    5. DO NOT wave at the cameras and say “This goes out to all you muthas, bruthas, and sister-wives around the world!”

    Fab-freaking-tastic. X

  10. Kimberly
    January 11, 2012 | 3:45 pm

    How do you come up with this stuff?
    Over coffee?
    God i need coffee.

  11. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes
    January 12, 2012 | 4:51 am

    I find that all meetings go better after the two drink minimum has been reached.

  12. Suniverse
    January 12, 2012 | 12:54 pm

    Hugo is the most fun to sit next to at these things. Seriously, he’s always got something snappy to say.

    Fidel was also awesome – Raul? Not so much. I mean, sure, he’s a Castro, but he’s like Castro Lite.

  13. poppycock
    January 12, 2012 | 8:25 pm

    Angelina’s lips. No kidding. I was wondering. They really do look like flood victims have been clinging to them. That must hurt like the dickins.

  14. Ann
    January 14, 2012 | 3:54 pm

    I agree with Erin.

    Your brain is the envy of my brain.

  15. shanan
    January 16, 2012 | 1:10 am

    we could maybe make some headway if Steve Carrell were doing the translating! and if someone spiked the fruit juice smoothies!

  16. Lady Jennie
    January 16, 2012 | 10:46 am

    I feel so dumb when I read you.

    But I love you anyway.

  17. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
    January 17, 2012 | 2:09 pm

    I sure hope you sent this to Hillary Clinton.

  18. Tonya
    January 19, 2012 | 5:48 pm

    Did you get these tips from Rick Perry?

  19. Tonya
    January 19, 2012 | 5:49 pm

    Seriously, you are brilliant!

  20. thoughtsappear
    February 8, 2012 | 5:13 pm

    In case you were wondering about my massive amount of comments…this is the night where I catch up on the last 2 months of posts on your blog because my work blocked your site as “porn.” Seriously. What…did…you…do?

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