Crouching Toddler, Hidden Splinter
- The Chalupa as Toddler (dubbed voice-over by Macaulay Culkin)
- The Father as Master (dubbed voice-over by Corey Feldman)
Grand, melodramatic music…
A thatched-roof hut somewhere in Japan
(NOT a suburban two-story with an SUV in the driveway)…
A toddler, slogging through the rice paddies
(NOT a toddler playing trucks on the deck)…
His master, stern-faced, twirling his long white beard
(NOT a dad sitting on the couch)…
TODDLER: Master, there is something in my toe. From karate-chopping those wooden boards all day. I can’t walk – but I’m fine! No really!
MASTER: He who cannot carry my rice gruel to me in his Lightening McQueen wagon is useless – (screaming) USELESS!
(speaking slowly…menacingly…) Come. Let me look at your foot. And I will tell you The Legend of Drunken Master.
TODDLER: (wary) Chuck the Dump Truck?
MASTER: Like Chuck the Dump Truck but more Romeo (the Splinter) Must Die.
TODDLER: (backing away slowly) That’s okay, I’m going to read Oh, the Places You’ll Go With Chuck Norris!
MASTER: No. You. Will. Not. (banshee-like scream, drop-kick spin through the air)
The two circle each other in the traditional Kung Fu Hustle.
Toddler runs for the bathroom, Master intercepts with the Fist of the White Lotus, known in some circles as the Fireman’s Lift.
Toddler, however, is skilled in the Way of the Dragon. Teeth are bared.
At last, Master has Toddler pinned to the bed. I mean, the rough-hewn sleeping pad on the hard, earthen floor.
TODDLER: NO! NO! NO! (dubbed translation 3 seconds delayed “NO! NO! NO!”)
Toddler kicks Master in face 15 times (dubbed sound of slapping 3 seconds delayed).
MASTER: Stop moving your big toe! I said stop it! Jean-Claude Van DAMMIT!
TODDLER: OW! OW! OW! (dubbed translation: “It’s so hard being the Snake In The Eagle’s Shadow!”)
MASTER: You see this Fist of Fury? Yeah, it’s got TWEEZERS in it. And for the record, Bruce Lee made Brandon remove his splinters with his TEETH!
TODDLER: (sobbing) WAH! WAH! WAH! (dubbed translation: “Well “Bloodsport” fucking sucked!”
MASTER: (stunned) In the name of Jackie Chan’s stunt double, WHAT did you just say?
TODDLER: Uh, “Bloodsport” is a cinematic masterpiece that showcases grown-men doing middle splits?
suddenly…the splinter is out.
MASTER: (aged 50 years, lying quietly in a heap on the floor) Get me my rice gruel, insolent wretch.
In the Sierra Nevada beer bottle.
cue grand, melodramatic music!
Sequel to come: Kiss The Dragon (He Fell Off the Monkey Bars)!