Advice To A Young Comedian Performing Stand-Up At the United Nations

1.  Make sure you perform after the General Assembly has their two-drink minimum, but before they reach drink six.  Hugo Chavez will start heckling you.

2.  Always open with an Angelina Jolie joke.  Her kids call her the High Commissioner For Refugees.  Flood victims cling to her lips for safety.  Something about her boobs.  Boob jokes always kill.
3.  Pay translators in advance not to cut your rap about the Greek economy.

4.  DO NOT make an Israel joke.  Mayim Bialik will unfriend you on Facebook.  Also?  Behind Sarkozy’s left shoulder?  That’s a sniper.

5.  DO NOT wave at the cameras and say “This goes out to all you muthas, bruthas, and sister-wives around the world!”

6.  DO NOT question Tuvalu about their voting record.  Or why they’ve turned the Irish lullaby into their national anthem, “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Tu-Valu.”

7.  DO question Vanuatu about their voting record.  Tricky island-nation bastards.

8.  DO make a Gadaffi joke.  ‘Muammar’ falls to bottom of Adorable Baby Names List behind ‘Paisley!’  Baby jokes always kill.

9.  DO speak slowly.  Remember poor Frank at The Laugh Factory?  “Liechtenstein” is tricky, but the natives will not appreciate when you mangle their name and then suggest they go to Dietrich’s of Hollywood for something more financially transparent.  Seeing as how their assets are hiding underneath that tax haven.  Tax haven jokes always kill.

10.  DO wait for the laughs.  Remember poor Jules from the Ladies-Drink-Free-Night at Gut Busters in Burbank?  Throw ’em the punch line – “And the socks were made in BHUTAN!” – and then cue the laugh track.

11.  Always close with Ahmadinejad.  Use the words “Steve Carrell” and “swarthy” and “doppelganger.”  Maybe “Holocaust” if you’re feeling lucky.  It’s why people pay the absurd international peace-&-security cover charge.  A-jad jokes kill.

12.  Lastly, nail down the two-thirds majority vote in your favor.  Remember Big Al, a week after he did the Equatorial Guinea sketch?  Consensus, kid, reach for consensus.

13.  You want to ‘kill.’  You do not want to ‘bomb.’  You do not want to be “killed” with a “car bomb.”

Government Shutdown: Cancun or Daytona Beach?

I find it very interesting that our government is set to shut down just in time for…SPRING BREAK.

A coincidence?

I think not.

After all, children’s school schedules dictate the way every other American lives, why not our trusted government officials?

I mean, when else are you allowed to take a vacation?  The first week of May?  That’s crazy talk, cousin. You risk either highly offending teachers or highly offending your checking account for not milking every overpriced second at the overpriced private school.

Just the other day, John Boehner was bitching about how long it’s been since he took his daughters to Disney World.  You know.  Because of the never-ending demands of a large, democratic nation.

And Harry Reid was reminiscing about how he never has time to take his grandchildren to the Sports Book at the Hard Rock Casino any more.  America – always I NEED I NEED I NEED!

But I have a solution.  One that will solve our budget crisis.  And make everyone happy.

Instead of shutting the government down for some quality time with the kids at Dollywood, might I suggest taking Congress on the road instead of the family?

Eh?  Eh?  I can see you warming to the idea.  You’re totally on board with it!  Spring Break in da House!  And da Senate, of course.

Now, you really can’t go wrong with Cancun or Daytona Beach, but I’m a fan of the small but friendly South Padre.

Because nothing breaks a stalemate faster than 15 vodka shots and a trip to the E.R.

And how about a Wet Spending Cuts Contest?

Let us not forget the compromise that can be achieved on the dance floor with the help of Ecstasy!

Party lines will be redrawn with tequila and glow sticks!

It’s time to do your duty and examine the size of the package.  No.  Not his package.  Stop checking that dude out.

And no.  Not the stimulus package.  Stop checking that dude out.

The domestic program cuts package.  Dill weed.  Oh, and go ahead and charge the trip to the package.

You can always cut it later.

Or throw it under Farm Subsidies.